Today I decided to post about my difficulty on figuring out what is wrong with me. So it all started when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was bullied and so I would be sad a lot. It felt normal to me. When I got a little older I was bullied for being fat and ugly and just weird in middle school. In high school I always felt sad and wanted to die. I tried to cut myself but it hurt a lot so I didnt do it anymore. I was told I was a lesbian. I had a lot of crushes on guys but they never liked me back because I am fat. And when I say I am fat, I mean I am fat. I am a 19 year old 335 pound female virgin who has never kisses a guy before. When I was smaller I always loved animals and people. I was helpful and kind. I wanted to help people who were in need. I've always had an interest in detectives and horror movies. I'm just like my dad. When I was around 8 my mom left my brother and I because of drugs she has been clean for 10 years now and I forgive her. My dad is emotionally abusive or maybe I think he is. I am now living with my mom and am not going to college because I have to stay home to take care of my 1 year old brother. I had anxiety for awhile, like a year. About a couple of weeks after my little brother was born a thought popped up. "Smother him," it said. I don't physically hear it. It's like a voice in my head. Its my voice though. I got depressed. Did not want to eat. Wanted to kill myself. They got worse and now I have had them for a year I am taking Zoloft and via tail there was a time when I was able to forget about them and they didn't bother me. Sometimes it'll be like "oh you want to hurt him you want to." And since I have anxiety I will be like omg I want to do it, no I dont. When I get angry I grab a knife and tell myself, "look you are grabbing the knife but you are not hurting them just because there is a thought doesn't mean it is real." I would never hurt anyone but I just get very frustrated. My psychiatrists says that intrusive thoughts are not normal. When I first had intrusive thoughts I didn't make dinner I never got near my family I stopped watching scary movies. I just need someone to talk to. Someone to assure me I am not crazy and this is normal and someone to tell me what they think I might have. Thanks and I hope all of you find pecs within yourselves. Also when I talked to a psychiatrist at a crisis center he told me it was ocd so I am kids stickingo his diagnosis. Much love.