I'm not real sure how to say this or what to say. So I apologize in advance for any ramblings or thoughts that seem out of place.

Everyday is a big struggle for me. All I can do is goto work do my 8 hour shift and come home. If I need to do more than that takes an enormous amount of energy. Friday it took every ounce of strength to go into work.

This has only worsened my depression and thus takes more energy from me. My suicidal thoughts are getting much worse almost to the point where it's all consuming. I know I need help, but how can I get help when I can't trust doctors. I have been in 2 mental hospitals. The first time was by choice and I said if I ever went back to any mental hospital I would not walk out alive. For the 2nd one I was too pissed off to want to kill myself. Something I still regret. So don't tell me to goto an ER. I can't spend my whole life sitting in an ER, not to mention they would send me to another mental hospital.

Bottom line I am overwhelmed and don't know how much more I can take. I want and need help but I can't trust anyone to get it. My distrust/paranoia is so bad that even on this form nothing about my account is real. Setup a new email address just for this and haven't provided any more real information beyond that.

I am not safe and I know this. Don't tell me to go to a safe place because no place like that exists on this earth. Short of going into detail I have tried to get some medicine from a friend that would kill me, but she wouldn't give it to me. I'm not mad at her for it, but I'm just disappointed she wouldn't help me. The only way you can truly understand my paranoia is if you have suffered with it yourself. If you understand where I'm coming from I am truly sorry you do. I am at my wits end and don't know where to turn. Every time I have trusted someone I have ended up regretting it.