I can so relate to what you are going through! I dont even have a hateful gma! What you are going through is normal and if it makes you feel any better, i am going through the exact same thing right now! I was on suboxone from 2003 until march of 2015 when i had to have back surgery. My sub doc told me to make an appt. After my surgery but when i called after my surgery he refused to see me! All the other docs in my city have very long waiting lists so i started using heroin again after being clean for all those years! I feel like a piece of garbage! I finally broke down and went to the methadone clinic on friday! Hang in there!