Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25
I doubted my dx for a long time. When I was first dx bipolar I was 18 and I laughed right in their faces. I was also enraged. How could I have bipolar when I never felt happy? Wasn't that part of it? As it turns out you don't have to have euphoria in mania. Most of my manias when I was a teenager manifested as mixed episodes. Mostly rage and unsafe, self destructive behavior. And then I had ECT and got better so I REALLY didn't believe them. I went without meds and therapy for six years. Naturally I thought my old doctors were the crazy ones.
When everything went south a couple of years ago the bipolar dx was brought up again. And though I knew something was wrong, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was just being dramatic and nothing was really wrong, that I was causing everything and if I could just quit being a baby I would be fine. I started having euphoric manias for the first time, but I still didn't believe the dx. It wasn't until I had my first psychotic episode that I believed it. When my brain snapped and sent me spiraling into paranoia is when I finally accepted I had a problem. And that it was real.
Now every time I want to quit my meds I remember that time and how terrified I was. I remember that this is real and that I don't want to play with fire.
It can take a long time to accept a dx like bipolar. It's up to you to decide if it fits. Reading other people's experiences help. If you can see yourself in other people's experiences you might indeed have bipolar.
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This is so similar to what I experienced, except I was 16 when I laughed in my pdoc's face, when she told me I was bipolar. I didn't have truly euphoric hypomania either, until the past 2 or so years. I did experience feelings of grandiose - I'd feel so much more intelligent than other people and that everyone was wrong. I can quote myself saying "anyone who knows bipolar disorder knows that you feel on top of the world, that everything's great, and then go to feeling like crap. But I'm always depressed! So how is that a mood swing? My psychiatrist is beyond stupid." My pdoc told me I was in such a bad state of mind that I needed to see my therapist that day, which I thought was purely ridiculous because I was "fine".