Quote:
Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst
I see. I have heard cases of abuse before memory...but those are so rare, what are the odds, really?
Also, in my own case (which I wouldn't expect you to know, I'm just a person on the internet), who could possibly have perpetrated it? I have very little family. If it continued on, surely I would remembered something. It simply doesn't make sense. Plus, wouldn't I have more symptoms?
Anxiety about sex is the only symptom I have. I wasn't particularly sexual as a child (I did discover masturbation around age 5; though I didn't realize what it was until I was almost a teenager. It was just a thing I did in private that felt good. I even failed to make the connection when I got the talk around age 8-9 - and I never quite fully outgrew the initial "Ew" feeling from when I first learned, lol). I've always had a secretive personality, always been withdrawn especially around other kids; according to my mom the first time my parents tried to leave me with a babysitter I freaked out and they ended up staying home. But that's all normal little-kid stuff.
Also, this is probably oversharing but who cares: I don't even seem to have the adult sexual symptoms of early abuse. The entire point of this thread is trying to fix the anxiety and fear I associate with sexual activity; yet in looking around and even some past thread on other sites I've read, prolonged childhood sexual abuse often causes the opposite reactions: being very sexual, sexually submissive (I suspect I would be though and that terrifies me; it's basically carte-blanc to be hurt) or into unusual or kinky sex practices (which scare the ***** out of me). Supposedly children who have been sexually abused are unusually sexual; I wasn't. I'm not even for my age, or so it seems.
I'm sorry I'm giving you a hard time. I just find it hard to believe that something incredibly traumatic happened and I have no memory or symptoms beyond abnormal(?) anxiety about sex and a few other minor things.
|
Hey there. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I really urge you to talk to a therapist about this aversion to sex you are experiencing. I do think there has to be a reason why you feel so strongly against sex. It can't just come from psyching yourself out about it and hearing abusive accounts of sex. There's more there and I encourage you to dig a bit deeper. A therapist can really help you out with this.
Being very withdrawn from others as a child, in my opinion, isn't "normal little kid stuff". There are shy kids and then there are kids who just flat out do not want to be around others. Were you the latter? If so, then something about that doesn't sound right.
Plus, I don't know if you've noticed, but you seem to have a tendency to minimize certain things. I'm curious as to why you do that.
Last, the things I bolded are what I wanted to talk about.
I have a very small family (my mom, grandmother, and me) and I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by a complete stranger (I wrote some threads about that on here) and I remember the middle part, but not the beginning and the ending. I don't remember going home afterwards. I cannot remember it 100%. I am 23 years old and I just started to realize that my abuse has had negative effects on me.
There are two sides of the spectrum when it comes to effects of sexual abuse: those who are hypersexual and those who are afraid of sex. I am one of those who's afraid of physical intimacy. It's not that I don't want it; I'm just afraid. This isn't similar to you, but you said that people who are abused are overly sexual, and that's true for some but not all survivors. Actually, many survivors end up being afraid of sex. "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (which is what I'm reading now) has many accounts of victims who are terrified of sex.
Personally, I agree with ChipperMonkey: you have your opinion, you don't have to believe in repression. But disbelieving it, in my opinion, is a bit offensive to the survivors who have actually gone through abuse and forgot some if not most of it. It honestly comes off as if you are saying that maybe their abuse did not happen if their memories are repressed (not saying you are actually stating this but it comes off this way). Repression happens because the experience was too extreme for the victim to process. So they dissociate from the event and repression occurs. The memories are still there; they are just buried deep in the victim's mind.
Repression does not only occur when abuse happens continuously. It can happen with one occurrence.
Being sexually submissive isn't asking to be hurt. You're submissive; that doesn't mean you don't have a voice. As for the kink, well...I'm extremely independent and into kink and that's also not asking to be hurt. -shrugs- Sorry if this is TMI but you said a lot of interesting things.
Also this statement you made: "My theory on the issue is that I simply managed to psych myself out bad from reading so much, hearing so many accounts of abusive sex that something in my mind started to believe it's normal, or expected - that it's supposed to be physically and emotionally painful, or a power play, or that I have no reason to believe a partner should care about my "needs". All of which is true, I do believe that on some level, but still....if I did it to myself then the whole issue is just laughable."
I find it odd that you only heard accounts of abusive sex and but no positive accounts. Did you ever decide to read up on positive accounts of sex? Why did you read so much of it? What interested you to do so? How old were you when you read and heard these accounts? How many times did you hear accounts of abusive sex? Sorry for all the questions, but I am very curious. I find it extremely worrisome that you believe a partner should not care about your needs. It shows low self-esteem on your part. You should believe that your needs are valid.
I don't know but...this honestly sounds like there is something more to this. It does sound like you have a psychological aversion to sex. I find it hard to believe that it just came from you reading and hearing about abusive stories. Your thoughts on sex are also worrisome. Sex isn't about a power play (unless you and your partner consent to that).
I'm definitely not saying you were abused. I just mentioned my own account of my abuse and other things to respond to some points you made. I just really wanted to comment on some of the things you have said because it struck a chord with me. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but some of your statements come off as a bit offensive to survivors.
Anyways, I hope you decide to see a therapist. It sounds like this aversion to sex is bothering you and I hope you can get to the root of it.