I am going to apologize ahead of time for the lengthy post. I haven’t been on this site for a few years. Last time I had been here, I was still married and had just become a newly licensed RN. I was struggling to keep my depression and anxiety under control. I feel like I’m better overall than where I was back then, but I’m still having issues, and I’m not sure if it is just depression anymore.
My marriage was not good. I was married to a narcissist and survived verbal, emotional and financial abuse. I filed for divorce early in 2014, and it was finalized in July 2014. I was “punished” for filing, from leaving me with multiple bills that hadn’t been paid for months, to starting a guardianship/custody battle with our one child who has disabilities that involved CPS.
Summer of 2014 wasn’t good. Within a span of about 48 hours, my divorce was finalized ( the only good thing, but still stressful), my ex filed to take custody of my daughter from me, I walked out of my nursing job because my manager demanded I work the unit where my Dad was actively dying, and then my Dad’s passing. I fell apart. I didn’t work or even look for another job for 5 months. I questioned whether I wanted to continue being a nurse.
Flash forward to now- the positives in my life are that after a lengthy custody battle, I won sole guardianship of my daughter. I am employed as an RN case manager, enjoy my job, and even though the job can be stressful, I have supportive managers and coworkers who make the stress much easier to handle. I’ve worked hard to improve my self-esteem, and try to stay positive and appreciate the little things in life.
Unfortunately, I still find I am struggling with multiple issues.
I still have huge issues with motivation. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything- except go to work. I have the money to pay the bills, but getting myself to sit down and pay them seems like climbing a mountain. Same with filling out forms, paperwork, etc. that I know are necessary. And the motivation isn’t limited to the adult responsibilities. I’ll make plans to do things with other people that sound great when I’m making the plans, but by the time it gets around to actually doing things, I don’t want to do them.
I find I don’t trust anyone, not really. I am always expecting to be betrayed in some way. I keep pretty much everyone at arm’s length.
I have panic attacks whenever I have to deal with my ex. Usually it is only when I have to deal with him in person, but sometimes it has been just when I have to email him- I won’t communicate with him unless I can have a way to document the conversation (learned the hard way). Would love to go “no contact” with him, but can’t because of our daughter.
I have issues with irritability and anger. It’s gotten better than when I was going through the divorce and custody battle, but it still pops up.
Are these issues just part of my depression and recovering from the marriage, or could I be dealing with something else? I guess the reason why I'm confused is that I feel like my life is pretty good overall. I don't particularly feel sad or hopeless like I usually do when the depression gains too much control.