Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and “true nature” of their love for their partner.

https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/

It's ROCD and beyond. It's beyond because this guy had everything NOT going for him. It's not like I'm a snob that is looking for perfection. It's like I set my sights on someone so flawed and am completely crushed that I was not good enough for him.

I had a dialing out relapse because it was my birthday and I just wanted him to be a true friend. I guess that would have validated how my mind stupidly obsesses about him. I guess I was just being massochistic, setting myself up for a hurt. Maybe I wanted to hurt myself. Ugh, again kinda hate myself. After a whole lifetime of obsessive thoughts, no therapy in the world will stop it. I just walk around, putting on a normal persona to the world, not letting anyone know the thoughts in my head.

And yes, Divine, you are right. If I were happy in my marriage, I think, I hoped, the obsessions would go away. But maybe part of the reason for my unhappiness is because I really have ROCD! BPD, ROCD, ADHD/ADD, BAD :-(

I have lots of family history of mental illness and suicide. My father in law made a stupid comment that I had bad DNA, and that was only because people in my family got divorced! But, he's right.