Quote:
Originally Posted by 10yrsgone
I also relate to what you said about being called "smart"...like you, I've had people call me that all my life, almost like it was supposed to bring me some kind of confidence. Through the bullying of school and the stresses of everyday life, I no longer feel "smart". Because "smart" only gets you so far these days...hell, I've known homeless people who are incredibly intelligent! I just don't know what went wrong along the way. People throw all this naivete at you and expect you to think life is simple. And then get surprised when you respond with naivete of your own...parents told me, "if someone unintelligent can go through life, you definitely can, because you're smart"...it just doesn't work that way.
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Yes, I totally get that. I always thought I had a great childhood, divorces and moves notwithstanding, I had supportive, loving parents anyway. I always thought the people with self-esteem issues are the ones whose parents weren't involved or didn't tell them nice things. Turns out, the opposite can just as easily be true. I was more sheltered than I realized. My parents treated me as an adult in many ways, they weren't so quick to say "well she's just a kid." But on the other hand, they always told me I was smart, interesting, and lovable. I think the worst mistake they made was to tell me that people will like me for who I am. I know what they meant, that people who don't like you for yourself aren't worth having as friends anyway. But it takes a lot of life experience to learn that. I took them at their word when they told me, and it was a rude shock when I realized that a lot of people just think I'm weird.
Sometimes I think I'm just on this lifelong quest to earn back the approval that I had as a young child. There are a lot of things about childhood I wish I didn't have to leave behind. I also associate having "real" friends with childhood. I haven't had a real friend since high school, and even the last three years of high school I had a lot of people I thought were friends, and realized they really didn't give a damn about me.
But yeah, when people tell us we're "smart", it almost just makes things worse. You think to yourself, "Well if they think I'm smart, then I should be able to handle whatever life throws at me. And if I can't, I can't let them know, because then they'll think I'm stupid."
I think this is the main reason I don't often confide in my mom. In my heart I know she loves me and will always help me out. I'm not actually afraid of abandonment, I just don't want to alter her opinion of me. She was always the one saying I could do better when I came home with Bs on my report card. I resented her for it, but at the same time, I can't help but try to adhere to her standards. She's my mom. But because of this I rarely tell her when something's going on with me.