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Originally Posted by starryprince
Hey there. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.  I really urge you to talk to a therapist about this aversion to sex you are experiencing. I do think there has to be a reason why you feel so strongly against sex. It can't just come from psyching yourself out about it and hearing abusive accounts of sex. There's more there and I encourage you to dig a bit deeper. A therapist can really help you out with this. |
Hi and thanks. I'd been thinking a bit about this and things people said, including looking up stuff about repression, more in a moment.
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Being very withdrawn from others as a child, in my opinion, isn't "normal little kid stuff". There are shy kids and then there are kids who just flat out do not want to be around others. Were you the latter? If so, then something about that doesn't sound right.
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My mom comes from a line of mood disorders (she's bipolar herself) and spent part of my early childhood looking for early symptoms. According to her, I would sometimes lok very depressed around other kids but would perk up once I was home. I was terribly asocial as a kid: useless at conversation, very few friends (and I quickly grew apart from the ones I made...I admit, I often felt inferior to them in some way). I rejected most invitations and would sometimes walk away from a person who was talking to me.
You can imagine I have awful social skills now. I don't mean harm (apparently it's caused harm), I just sort of...don't see the point of a lot of social rituals, or interaction feels like an intrusion. There are certainly exceptions though.
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Plus, I don't know if you've noticed, but you seem to have a tendency to minimize certain things. I'm curious as to why you do that.
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Habit. There's something I find icky about outright being a victim.
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I have a very small family (my mom, grandmother, and me) and I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by a complete stranger (I wrote some threads about that on here) and I remember the middle part, but not the beginning and the ending. I don't remember going home afterwards. I cannot remember it 100%. I am 23 years old and I just started to realize that my abuse has had negative effects on me.
There are two sides of the spectrum when it comes to effects of sexual abuse: those who are hypersexual and those who are afraid of sex. I am one of those who's afraid of physical intimacy. It's not that I don't want it; I'm just afraid. This isn't similar to you, but you said that people who are abused are overly sexual, and that's true for some but not all survivors. Actually, many survivors end up being afraid of sex. "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (which is what I'm reading now) has many accounts of victims who are terrified of sex.
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Yeah, if there was any abuse, I have no idea who could have done it, especially if it happened when I was so young and my parents so overprotective.
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Personally, I agree with ChipperMonkey: you have your opinion, you don't have to believe in repression. But disbelieving it, in my opinion, is a bit offensive to the survivors who have actually gone through abuse and forgot some if not most of it. It honestly comes off as if you are saying that maybe their abuse did not happen if their memories are repressed (not saying you are actually stating this but it comes off this way). Repression happens because the experience was too extreme for the victim to process. So they dissociate from the event and repression occurs. The memories are still there; they are just buried deep in the victim's mind.
Repression does not only occur when abuse happens continuously. It can happen with one occurrence.
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I see. Still, I know that there have been cases of false-memory; ridiculous cases of people being "abused" into adulthood and still not remembering it until very convenient times. Ethic-less therapists implanting memories via power of suggestion and causing all kinds of havoc with that.
Saying abuse may not have happened is exactly what I'm implying. Not to say it didn't, and I'm sorry, then, if this comes off as offensive. Especially if it was only one occurrence - surely something so traumatic would leave mental scars of some sort?
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Being sexually submissive isn't asking to be hurt. You're submissive; that doesn't mean you don't have a voice. As for the kink, well...I'm extremely independent and into kink and that's also not asking to be hurt. -shrugs- Sorry if this is TMI but you said a lot of interesting things.
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Perhaps not, but that's kind of how I can't help but see it.... there's no explaining it.
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I find it odd that you only heard accounts of abusive sex and but no positive accounts. Did you ever decide to read up on positive accounts of sex? Why did you read so much of it? What interested you to do so? How old were you when you read and heard these accounts? How many times did you hear accounts of abusive sex? Sorry for all the questions, but I am very curious. I find it extremely worrisome that you believe a partner should not care about your needs. It shows low self-esteem on your part. You should believe that your needs are valid.
I don't know but...this honestly sounds like there is something more to this. It does sound like you have a psychological aversion to sex. I find it hard to believe that it just came from you reading and hearing about abusive stories. Your thoughts on sex are also worrisome. Sex isn't about a power play (unless you and your partner consent to that).
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It seems to me sometimes that everyone has been abused in some way except for me. I realize this sounds crazy. But it does, especially sexual abuse. Everyone's hard-knock-life sob story involves some kind of molestation, rape, or assault. Except me, I just have emotional dysfunction. No physical abuse, and certainly nothing sexual. It almost seems like it's normal for a person to experience some kind of painful, unwanted sexual encounter, and since I haven't experienced it yet, I will in the future.
Like I recall this one book that was a compilation of "letters" from preteen girls to their moms, about stuff they wish their parents' knew. A whole section was dedicated to sexual issues, from assaults by family members, teachers, and strangers, or harassment by classmates. And I'm reading this and thinking, "Is this normal or something? No one even looks at me, let alone touches me."
And yes, I am one of those sick freaks whose wondered if I'm really so repulsive to look at that no one will even assault me.
And for whatever reason, the power thing just seems self-evident. I can't explain it: of course there's a power dynamic, a dangerous one that can lead to a lot of pain and suffering for the weaker party. I don't even know where I got this.
And my needs? I'm clueless and neurotic, and not even all that attractive. I'd be a terrible lay. Beyond that, the feeling is just kind of nebulous. Undoubtedly poor self-esteem somewhere, but really a general "Why?"
One thing I may not have explicitly stated: for whatever reason, I associate sex with pain. And not in a sexy, kinky way. In a survival-based, frightened way. Sex is painful, it will be painful in one way or another, if not physically (though I fear that enough to not even be able to do much to myself), than emotionally. Maybe I project this onto anything sexual I read.
It's fine that you're curious, I am too. I have no idea what's wrong with me, and it can't be explained away with sexuality. I didn't mean to be offensive, though I seriously question repression's validity.