I'm confused. I brought up a new thing in therapy today, something I actually put together weeks ago but never shared with my therapist. It is definitely a big part of my depression and is also affecting my ability to cope with everything.

At this point I am supposed to start tapering my Seroquel soon after Christmas with the plan to be admitted around the first of January for the taper and starting clozaril. I don't know the exact timing yet; I see my pdoc the 21st.

But I feel like we need to finish this in therapy before I'm going through huge med changes. I'm not going to be doing well for a few months probably and so it's not like I'll be able to go back to this as soon as I get out of the hospital.

So now I'm leaning toward delaying the taper/admission a little longer to finish this therapy topic. My therapist seems to support the idea. I want to come out of this with the best ability to fight depression possible. We did a depression test today that has been done several times since summer and I remain severely depressed, a little worse than last time we did it in October. Some of the depression is because of the things we are discussing now (and have been for a few months with a break to get all difficult the last few weeks).

Does it sound like I'm doing something ridiculous if I delay the Clozaril for a few more weeks for therapy? Or that I'm just trying to get out of Clozaril? My pdoc will tell me if she thinks I have to do it now (she'll be fine with waiting; I'm the same as I have been for a long time) but I really think I want to have a few weeks with my therapist before I go and mess up everything in my brain. But I also would like to defer this forever if I could. I also want to get it over with but feel strongly that the therapy piece is important. I don't know what to do.