Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2
I can't believe we tried so hard pretending to be singular, that to think about it today just wears me out. Some are more natural about it, but for some of us, it was exhaustingly miserable....especially for the likes of me being trapped in an opposite sex body.
It felt like denying ones own existence out of fear of retribution from both internal and external forces. The stress was phenomenal, but here we are in uncharted territory with ourselves being outwardly exposed finally, feeling free at last to express "me". I like how this feels.
At times I remember intense feelings of despair and disconnect, hoping that I pass as the body image. I've gotten a lot of weird looks from people and sharp words from the inner others about falling out of character and drawing negative attention to ourselves. Nothing like having everyone breathing down your back micro managing your every move. No wonder I drank. No wonder why we all drank.
It's safe to say that I and the others are burned out on pretending, and we're not doing it 24/7 anymore. Of course there are times where it is necessary, but for the most part....we are done!  |
for me it wasnt this stressful or exhausting. you see for me it was part of the way my internal system was...to hide the secrets, dont tell anyone what happened, keep quiet at all costs. in order for this to happen my alters and I had to appear to be normal, appear to be ok, answer to the body name, dont let anyone know others existed, dont use plurals like we, us, our other wise people would question why, who what where when..
because of all this that comes with my being DID it was just my normal to outwardly show as one person just like any other normal human being. just how I was since before the age of 5, therefore after getting the diagnosis it was still normal for me to show the world my normal (outwardly showing as if I was one and the same no matter who was in control)
what was strange and stressful for me was accepting that it was ok to let my wife know when someone else was in control, that it was ok to let my therapist know who was in control. it was very strange for my wife to ask something like "you're not amanda, can you tell me your name and whether what we are doing is ok for you?"
my point for me I didnt have to pretend to be one person as an adult. but I did have to pretend to be ok with telling others I was not one person, in order to be ok with disclosing to others we were many not one. that first moment when someone would ask it was just instinct to say Im amanda rather than I'm rainy. it took a lot of work, stress, anxiety, for my alters and I for them to be able to be able to even say I'm Rainy, thats how instinctual and ingrained it was that we keep the secrets, dont tell, appear to be ok, appear to be just like other normal human beings.