It's almost Christmas and each these times come, it gets to me it depresses me.. One would never know how lonely I truly am inside because I show the complete opposite of how I feel. People call me crazy and overly happy and hyper but it's all a mask of my loneliness. One would never really know what alone truly means if they have friends, family and someone in their lives, sadly, some people fail to appreciate what they have but for people like me, who has no one but a successful career, I feel empty inside. I don't like talking to people about how I feel because one - I don't want to drag anyone into sadness because I know how that feels, 2nd I'm very independent and do not want anyone's help, a little too proud, in which, I accept as one of my greatest flaws. I feel blessed in some other aspects of life and for that I'm forever grateful to God, I have good career, good education, financially independent and physically attractive (sorry I'm not being egotistic or boastful but at least in this aspect I feel blessed). Having said all, I wasn't blessed with a normal family. I grew up without a mom and a dad who was never around, basically, with housemaids. Back then, I used to hate my life because I wasn't normal kid. I didn't have friends at all, I was a complete nerd and have never done what most teenagers or kids too.I was way too by the book. I isolated myself from everyone because I didn't want to be reminded of what I'm missing in my life - a loving a caring family. As I grew up, I have learned to accept things, and for things that I don't have and can never have. For this reason, I have learned to be independent and not rely on anyone but myself -- alone but content in some ways. I have to say though, that time after time, I'll feel like a poop being alone and lonely, I just cry in my sleep and feel a better to move on the next day. This has been my routine, to analyze my feelings and console myself. But each time Christmas comes, it depresses me because it reminds of that things that I desire and the one thing I can never have - to have a Christmas with my own family - a loving, caring mom & dad. As I have said, I have learned to deal with things on my own, for this reason, I have turned off all my social network accounts for the time being. I bury myself from working, even at home, just to get myself out of thinking about these things but somehow, it still gets to me. I don't think this sadness and emptiness will ever go away. I don't know how to make them go away.. Someone had told me to perhaps let someone in my life, maybe date some guy but I am too afraid to get out my security blanket. I am in pain and loneliness all my life and being hurt by someone, and giving my heart to some1 is something I can't do. I am too protective of myself, resulting me to my own sadness. Why am I writing this? I could say that I need an outlet and perhaps to let people know to appreciate what they have in life, whether their families are out of town or out of country - the fact that they have one is a blessing Be happy for what you guys have because you will never know how it feels like to be the shoes of people like me. I am hopeful, that one day, this loneliness will somewhat be lessened and I keep telling myself that I will heal myself and just continue to make the people around me happy because I would never ever want anyone else to feel how I feel, it's beyond sadness and loneliness. It is true what they say, the things that matter the most are the ones you can never buy or rent. Somehow, I thought of renting a family for Christmas, a bit pathetic, but I'd be fooling just myself... I am a lonely pooooop