Thank you so much in advance to everyone offering advice. I need help on whether or not I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse/passive aggressive behavior, or if I am being crazy. There has not been any derogatory name-calling, hiding of my keys, hitting, etc. and I am unsure.
I have been in this relationship for 5 years, and I am in my late twenties. The first 4 years were great overall – we were very much in love. My boyfriend has always been controlling but I used to always tell people it was “because he loved me.” He was always concerned with my diet, exercise, and hobbies, but in general I felt loved and supported. I guess I have always felt I needed to walk on eggshells a little to feel like I was who he wanted me to be, but I was also very young when we started dating and have a people-pleasing personality.

I started serving/bartending after relocating for him about a year and half ago. This really upset him (I was looking for another professional job but could not find one and then decided I was content bartending for a while). He was angry that I worked in a restaurant and our fights escalated, lasting about 8 months. I felt like I was going crazy. He yelled at me constantly. He put me down all of the time, telling me I couldn’t act like an adult or take responsibility in life. Everything was my fault. The fights were not in his control, only mine (if I got a new job, none of this would have happened). I received the silent treatment every few days. He got drunk and yelled at me a handful of times, sighing heavily when I cried and getting annoyed. Little things became huge things – for example, when I came home from a painting class and laughed at how I had to throw away my painting because it was so terrible, he was furious and told me I could not take responsibility for myself and in life. There was a lot of crying on my part, and him going to bed and sleeping like a baby afterwards. We fought like this almost every night. He threatened to leave many times. A few months into the fight, I told him I could not take it anymore and needed him to stop. He agreed, and then didn’t. He held the “ultimatum” over my head and asked how I would feel if he gave me an ultimatum (he’s given me two as of now) – this became the source of everything and our discontentment according to him. He told me if I ever brought up “feelings” he would just walk away, because “he didn’t deal with feelings.” I felt nervous constantly, like I was walking on eggshells and had to be very careful not to set him off. I felt I could not leave the house except to work in case he wanted to fight (he would get upset sometimes if I did and was outraged I thought it was a good time to leave the house when we had issues). I understand why someone would need to be with someone who was ambitious, but I felt he should have left me if I would not change something that important to him rather than act this way.

I got a new job and the fighting stopped. I told him I needed to talk about some of the things that happened that really hurt me and he refused, saying he was too exhausted by the fight and said never to bring it up again. He doesn’t remember this, like many other things. I tried anyway months later, and our conversations have been circular – he cannot do anything unless I forgive him, he doesn’t think he was in the wrong, etc. Of course, I had/have different views. He is still a little controlling, like always, and gets annoyed if I am out with a girlfriend for longer than I should be.

I left the relationship one week ago and it was the hardest thing I have had to do in my short, inexperienced life. We had a conversation the following day at his request and it felt like all of our other fights – circular, and like I was the real problem in the relationship – although he cried, said we could fix things, said he wanted to be with me, and that we have been through a lot and could get through this. The other day, when I came to pick up my things from our house, he was waiting for me. He cried and insisted that everything would be different and he hasn’t been fair to me. I stayed. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I feel in my gut that something is wrong, but if that fight is over and he says he’ll be different, am I just holding onto the past for no reason?