Dear friday1967,

I feel for you. I am a PhD student currently on a sick leave because of an emotional breakdown. Long story short, I failed to get any decent data, I started getting very disappointed in myself, I lost all self confidence and all my enthusiasm and passion for my research, I started feeling depressed and anxious and ended up crying every day without producing (in terms of research) hardly anything at all. My husband has a PhD and he is looking for a permanent academic position in Europe and in the US. His current contract will end in less than a year, which means that we might have to live apart for some time if I happen to find the strength to keep going with my PhD. Right now I don't see myself graduating and I have convinced myself that my scientific career is over. My days are filler with depression and anxiety and I find it hard to see any reasons for my existence. I have withdrawn myself from social activities and I not really looking forward to Christmas. My husband is leaving on a two-week research trip in January and I am scared of being left alone with my mind.

Ok, enough about me, lets talk about you.

First of all, your project... You are the fourth person to work on it - that raises questions. That may indicate that
1. The project is too hard, too big or too abstract and difficult to plan.
2. The upper management is bad or that their demands are unrealistic.

Academic jobs are tricky, the way I see them now. On one hand you get the pride of being a professor, a scientist, a mentor. On the other hand you have to work overtime, 20 hours a day - as my boss has requested, and you have to sacrifice. A dear friend of mine once said that doing his PhD was the worst decision he ever made. He switched back to industry after doing a couple of postdoc's. Another friend of mine said that an academic job will eat everything you give to it, including your personal life and your sanity - you have to keep some things for yourself. It took me a while to understand what they meant.

My advice to you is to seek help. Registering in this forum is already a good step - hang in here, you will learn something from what others have to say.

I was in denial about my problems for a long time. A colleague, who went though a burnout, told me to see a professional. And I did, but after I could not work anymore. If you haven't seen a psychiatrist or a therapist yet - you should definitely consider it. Here is a nice article about what you might be experiencing:
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/arti...om-burnout.htm

Recognize your problems. I recently discovered that I am doing a lot of negative thinking. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking "Oh no, I am about to fail my PhD. I should do something, but I am soooo tired". These thought are not helpful and they definitely have contributed to my current state. I researched this problem online and apparently it is a thing. I found the following article helpful:
http://www.gapsychology.org/?307

Read books that may help you. I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Efficient People by S. R. Covey. It will not solve all your problems, but it may help you in dealing with them. One of the ideas discussed in this book include that you cannot be efficient if you don't give yourself a break.

Getting a little suicidal - been there. I don't know about you, but I would get these thought like "If I get hit by a bus in an hour that would be an easy way out". These thought would go away once the stress levels went down. You know, after all - it is just a job, your life is worth so much more.

Do you have anybody to help you? A baby sitter at home, for example.

Your truly,
Jenny, who wanted to get hit by a bus to escape the embarrassment of failing a PhD