A part of me stopped caring at all about it, and given up on it which is more where I'm at. I grew up realizing I didn't need it as I thought I did, while everyone else around me felt they needed it do it all the time wondering where did I go wrong and I don't care and most of them have either have like 2 kids or more now. I'm in that weird phase in life. I don't like it, it's not pressuring me and I don't appreciate when others around me pressure comments by me to join them with someone else I meet.

It's not my cup of tea. See for a very long time I grew up not liking marriage not because of my parents specifically I just didn't like the idea of it. I didn't like how it made me feel. I didn't mind the good values of it, I just don't believe I can handle the pressure of it. Also I grew up not liking what I witnessed of my parents marriage even though they are married for like since ever should be closing in on 30 years now. It's only there because they are financially glued to their own debt trying to still drag me into their bottomless pit. It's taken me much longer to do things that most people I'm around my age already are way ahead of me.

I don't like the fact how my parents marriage seems uninspired feels rather not interesting and it feels rather depressing less than actually feels somewhat even satisfying their committed it feels more like a sour feeling I get when I don't understand why the hell they put up with each other. I mean good for them, but it's not me saying they are fighting or not getting along. No I'm visually being dragged into their drama alot and they both seem hell bent on splitting up and not doing it. I don't want to be apart of it.

Honestly I can't be near anyone, who expects me to marry them. I'm not doing it. I've made that promise forever. If they don't like it go to someone else who would do that for them, but not me. I won't do it. I just don't believe in it as an establishment, I do believe in the sanctity of it and how it's a serious commitment but in this day and age. No not worth it. I'll just imply that if relationships weren't so easily broken and that people are quick to take from others and do things out of emotional irrational behavior and ends up screwing people over just because over something petty within themselves or someone else's behavior or take something more serious and yeah everything erupts badly. I just don't like the fact finances and like reputation and stuff like your own house and stuff are on the line for some people for that.

I don't feel that's practical and I don't feel it's like a healthy thing to do at all even if they need to rely on each other.

I'm so hellbent on being so independent and rich. I like money more than love now, when it was the opposite when I was younger. I wasn't so driven by having stability I was focused on the here and now of meeting new people and forming relationships and I dated a good sum of people. They were all disasters, but I feel I learned what I don't want and some things I do want in those relationships besides that I do now know what I actually want compared to what I need. I have a more realistic view and I'm ok with that.

The only thing is, I feel I'll be the george clooney in my family like I would rather get married at literally 60 on up once. That's all no younger. If that makes sense.

I'd rather be in a very committed relationship friendship with one girl and then eventually get married when it's ok. I'm not afraid of the person leaving me if I got married to them, it's more that I don't know how to exactly describe it. It's not just finances and things that aren't too important with that together. I find it more attractive doing that with someone later over time like longer than most people because I take it seriously. I don't like rushing anything. I get very suspsicious when people rush me to do something with them. I feel the more want something from me to take than just be grateful for what I have for being me. I don't know what I'm exactly describing. Help...