I had a long relationship in college with a man who used to sleep with me without my consent, I mean I didn't say "No" but I didn't want to. He'd just started pulling at my clothes, taking them off. I was rarely into it. We lived together and I had very little money. I didn't see any way out and at the time it didn't seem that bad. I left him after 4 years when my brother offered me a place to stay. My bf didn't even seem to care, I moved out and he just chilled and played guitar, made me a sandwich before I left. The first week without him, I missed him. I cried in the shower every day. I felt like my heart had broken, so I must have loved him? I don't know. All my feelings surrounding that relationship are murky and hard to grasp. But I accept that and try not to beat myself up about it.