Quote:
Originally Posted by CopperStar
I wouldn't give someone any answers, either, in such a situation. The way I would see it is that they either understand and are feigning ignorance, or they are incapable of understanding if they don't by that point, so either way it would be a waste of my time and energy to try to explain anything.
IME often in the beginning, people are more than happy to enjoy whatever it is I have to offer them, it becomes increasingly one-sided and eventually they become expectant, almost entitled to it, without ever reciprocating anything. Even though they may have grown attached due to enjoying whatever it was I offered them, I never grew attached because I never had any fulfilling experiences throughout the whole thing. So then it's like I've got this entitled, needy person demanding from me, and of course the ONLY reason they ever get upset is when I don't give them something they want. Now at that point I could try to "fix" things, explain to them that I think they're being really self-absorbed and entitled, but the after-feelings in a case like that are just ... icky. Like oh okay, now this person will pretend to be mutually empathetic, just because I called them out. At that point, both sides are just faking a friendship and it feels gross.
I had an online friend for several years, that I met through online gaming. The bulk of our conversations were about his life, his problems, his feelings, his other relationships, etc. Whenever I would try to talk about anything me-related, he'd just be like "ah cool" and that was it. He wanted to get the conversation back to me being his therapist, or if he didn't need such services at the time, then he was too busy with something else to talk with me. I never complained or anything, I just gradually lost interest over time. Initially I did grow a bit fond of him, as a person, but the whole thing became exhausting and draining after a while. At some point I just quit logging on where we would chat anymore, I quit wanting to and quit doing so.
It's a case where I can understand that the ways in which I try to bond with people, well those ways are dysfunctional. I just try to provide what people want in the hopes that they will value me and thus treat me with genuine respect, empathy and interest. But what I get more often than not for being a reserved pleaser type, is just self-absorbed people who are happy to suck my energy dry and then get pissy when I start to get too tired or overwhelmed with it. So I think in the end often it's a case of two dysfunctional people going their separate ways.
But something to think about, if your lost-friend really does sound like me. Maybe she was a covert narcissist, definitely possible. But was she getting anything genuine and fulfilling out of the relationship, herself? Or was it a more one-sided case, where one day she just quit spending her energy on you, and then the whole relationship fell apart when she stopped putting in the effort?
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OK, firstly... these are my own personal views, and I don't doubt you will have views that contradict mine. That's OK, we're different people and see things differently. This is more about trying to understand one another. I'll try respond to each paragraph in a separate paragraph.
I've never understood this idea that somehow discussing something is a waste of time, and so we might as well not bother. How do you know that's the case if you haven't even tried? If you haven't made it clear how you feel, then how can you expect someone to understand where you're coming from? At least give the other person a chance. No one has the ability to read someone else's mind. My idea of a healthy relationship is one where people communicate their thoughts, feelings, needs, etc. If there's something that you're not happy with, then you should express that in the best way you can. If the other person genuinely cares about you, they'll do whatever they need to do in order to make things better. They will try to understand, regardless of whether it makes sense to them or not. That person might genuinely have had no idea you felt a certain way. I believe a good relationship is something two people build together. If you claim to care about someone, then you want to do that. Telling someone it's not worth spending time talking about a particular issue, to me is the same as saying "I don't care about you". Maybe it's just my brain, but I don't know how else to interpret that. How can you say that to someone you supposedly care about?
What is a fulfilling relationship to you? If you've never expressed your needs and feelings, how can a person cater to them? There are some people who will not express themselves at all, and then when the relationship ends they bring up all this stuff which they've never mentioned before. That doesn't make sense to me. If you're committed to making a relationship work, you have to deal with conflicts, not avoid them. And if it turns out that you can't see eye to eye with someone, that's fine... at least you both know where you stand. Perhaps the truth is that these people don't actually know what their needs are, and that's why they are so inconsistent. Maybe that's why one day they'll be in love with you, and indifferent the next.
Yes, I have had people like that in my life also. I try to do what I can to be there for them when they need me, and also accept that I won't get anything back in return. But yes, if it's too much then it makes sense to detach yourself from that person. I'm learning not to let others problems become my problems.
That sounds right. But it's also important to realise why we attract or are attracted to people who we go on to form dysfunctional relationships with. I've come to realise why I attract a certain type of person, and so I can work on that aspect of my personality. What part do you play in all of this? For example, maybe you give people the wrong impression, send mixed messages, don't communicate your needs properly etc. It works both ways.
In the case of my friend, she led me to believe that she thought I was perfect and could never do wrong (those were her words). But, no doubt I did make mistakes. I thought she was happy, but maybe she was just saying that. I can't know for sure. It was not one sided, I made more compromises than I should have in order to try make things work. I put myself out there even though I didn't feel comfortable doing so. I think she would say she did the same if asked. I know there were instances when I was acting like an idiot because I had become very insecure about the relationship. That must have been exhausting for her. But she never made a big deal out of it. Anyway, I can now see it was an unhealthy relationship, and had it continued I'd probably have ended up in a really bad way. I'm not saying she was a bad person; we just weren't right for one another.