This might be one of the hardest things to try to explain.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for 5 years. Psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, intensive outpatient, PHP, residential, I've done it all.

Here's the thing. Some people talk about recovering from all this stuff like a straight path up. You find the meds that work, talk to a therapist for a while about how to cope, and boom. You're done. You're "healed." It's over.

That's not the way it's worked for me. I do better for a little bit, and then something always happens to push me back down. I wonder if that's the roller coaster that is life, or if it's something about me. Or something I create...

Two different members of my treatment team asked me recently about my "life worth living" and what life looks like when I recover, and it's SO hard to respond.

Am I scared to get better? Do I sense I'm doing ok and push myself back down? I don't need answers, but has anyone else ever felt this way? Like somehow you're stopping your own pursuit of a normal life? Thoughts?