im really tired and very sick of myself. i cant stand it. I keep messing up over and over again. Im tired of thinking that change is just over the horizon. Its been over the horizon for years and years and years and years. I wonder if i am just tricking myself into delaying death because its the "right thing to do". Im very afraid things will never change. I have both the past and some promises and they are competing. But each yr i have broken promises for change. I dont even believe myself anymore when i tell myself to have hope