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Originally Posted by sanebrain9
I think you guys save people's lives/unhappiness. Thank you. I guess the last thing I can say that I didn't mention is that this fight ended 6 months ago and everything has been relatively okay since it ended except for some smaller control issues (like the being out with friends too long thing) and dismissal of my feelings (which is a big deal, of course). I have felt unsure because I wonder if that really could have been a one-time thing and I am just holding onto the past. He insists that it is unfair to assume it would happen again in other situations in the future and says we will never run into the same issue about jobs again. He also seems to really, really love me and seems so sincere in his promise to change. Please tell me I sound like a crazy person making excuses!!
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Do you really know and believe that dismissal of your feelings is a big deal? Because it is. You say it almost as an aside, and he sounds like someone that would imply to you that they're not a big deal. Love and control aren't mutually exclusive. He can love you while still being controlling and in denial that he has a problem. You mentioned a lot lot lot of other things in your original post that were problematic. It is also important to remember that it is NOT unfair to assume that his future behavior will be similar to his past behavior. Unless he is working to change something, you have no reason't to believe it won't be different. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
I'm going to share from your original post the things that are
most concerning (all of it is concerning). Bottom line is though, you are not crazy, but you also don't have to make excuses for him. Read about "gaslighting" if you've never heard of it.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?
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My boyfriend has always been controlling but I used to always tell people it was “because he loved me.” He was always concerned with my diet, exercise, and hobbies, ... I guess I have always felt I needed to walk on eggshells a little to feel like I was who he wanted me to be, ... He was angry that I worked in a restaurant and our fights escalated, lasting about 8 months. I felt like I was going crazy. He yelled at me constantly. He put me down all of the time, ... Everything was my fault. The fights were not in his control, only mine ... He got drunk and yelled at me a handful of times, sighing heavily when I cried and getting annoyed. Little things became huge things ... laughed at how I had to throw away my painting because it was so terrible, he was furious ... We fought like this almost every night. He threatened to leave many times. ... I felt I could not leave the house except to work in case he wanted to fight (he would get upset sometimes if I did and was outraged ... I told him I needed to talk about some of the things that happened that really hurt me and he refused, ... He doesn’t remember this, like many other things. ... he doesn’t think he was in the wrong,
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And the absolute, 100% most disrepectful, huge red flag that I would absolutely not tolerate:
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He told me if I ever brought up “feelings” he would just walk away, because “he didn’t deal with feelings.”
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Ask yourself what would you say to a close friend if she described her relationship this way.