Been having a hard time lately watching my life unravel around me. My new therapist is awesome and really challenges my beliefs, but today he asked me some questions about mood swings because I admitted that I feel like my only solution to my current problems is to die because then I wouldn't know the difference.

He mentioned that hypomania is not always productive and happy, but could be a highly reactive state to certain triggers.

I remembered that many people in my life have told me that I can't handle the little things and that I fly off the handle and get irritable when offered solutions to things I have built up in my head as being insurmountable.

I feel that the simple solutions are so obvious and that I am completely inept for not having thought of them myself. I feel belittled and ridiculed when offered solutions so I get angry.

So, is this actually hypomania? Is it possible that I really do have this disease after all and that I will need to be medicated again? Was my two year recovery a bunch of bull and just a lull in my symptoms?
I can't bear to be medicated back into zombieism and weight gain. I have lost only 46 of the 80 or so pounds I put on the last time I was medicated. I would almost rather suffer and watch my life crash down than be as unhealthy as I felt while medicated. Not to mention the meds never worked.

I can't bear to be alternately pitied and ridiculed by my family again. Yet, life spins uncontrollably around me as I cower under the pressure of not being able to make a living.