I'm a fourteen year old girl living in the UK. I've had major depressive episodes since i was about 11 with no obvious cause. I did experience minor bullying during that time, which led to low self esteem, but i don't believe this to be the reason for such extreme self hatred and self harm. The first time i cut i was about 11, and the scars are still really noticeable.
In my experience, these low mood episodes entail depleted energy, constant sleeping and crying, a sense of disorientation and hopelessness, no desire to talk to or be around people, emptiness and self hatred, irrational anxiety, self harm and thoughts of suicide. This interferes with my education more than the high episodes, as when i experience this, my way of dealing with it is to lock myself in the toilet and listen to music. The reason for this is that i am literally unable to function in the school environment while i feel like this, my thoughts are deep but scattered and unsure, nothing makes sense and everything is draining. This however, would only last for a maximum of five hours, and then i'd go back to feeling completely normal.
About 8 months ago i decided to begin confidential counselling at school. This did nothing for me but make me feel like i was abnormal and different. Also, these appointments were taking place regardless of my mood at the time, so it was extremely difficult to deal sit in a small room with the therapist asking about my self harm whilst i was experiencing what could be classed as mania. i would fidget in my seat, look at the clock too often, laugh at nothing in particular, switch subjects quickly and talk too fast for anyone to understand. i would feel elated but at the same time uncomfortable with the environment and circumstance, just wanting to get out and go for a run. This led my therapist to believe i may have ADHD, not seeing a connection between my low moods and my high moods. In a manic state, i made the sudden decision to stop counselling about 5 months ago.
When i'm in this state, my mind is so filled with thoughts that i can't sit down, eat, do any school work, or even sleep. i fill my nights with playing the piano, exercising, dancing and cleaning. i find that i'm better at getting things done and more fun to be around. When this happens at school, my seemingly endless supply of energy goes into arguing with people and teachers, disrupting the class, leaving the classroom whenever i want and wondering around the school. I am completely unable to stay still or stay in the same room for more than a minute. Since there's nobody that has any idea of how i feel and why, i can't explain myself. This results in getting sent out of the class and detentions.
The final issue is the mixed episode. In my entire life i have had three of these, two at school, one outside. My hands shake, i have racing negative thoughts of death and suicide, loss of motor skills, constant pacing and talking to myself, incoherent speech and inability to control my breathing, and sudden violent outbursts and rage. I feel like this is the state that puts myself and others around me in the most danger. These were strictly classified by my school as panic attacks.
I have tried to explain to my mum about the seriousness of this and how i need to go to the doctors, but no matter what, she doesn't understand.
What leaves me so unsure is the length of time between these episodes. They would last for about 3 hours to a day about 6 months ago, with a week between each one, but now they are 3 hours to a day with roughly 3 days between each one. Bipolar disorder is the closest definition i can apply to what i'm currently going through, but is this normal? Will the episodes continue to draw closer to each other until there is no space in between, or are they all separate issues that need dealing with individually (depression, ADHD and panic attacks)? This feels extremely unlikely, but i remain open to all possibilities.
Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading
