I just want to begin with saying that I hate Facebook. I was already forced on there due to it being necessary for self promotion in my field. And now I have a private account in order to help manage my page. Now I'm debating on whether or not I'm technically forced onto Facebook with my private account.

As it is now, the people around me don't communicate hardly outside of Facebook. I don't know anything that's going on socially unless my boyfriend tells me what he's seen on Facebook. I've been invited to a party through someone Facebook messaging HIM and then him telling me about it. And this is from someone who sees me in person ON A REGULAR BASIS. I was very offended by that, but I also learned that I will be ostracized and friendless until I play other people's stupid games, as in I need to be on Facebook if I'm going to be accepted socially and ever attempt to have friends again.

And without friendships and tons of connections, my career will be dead in the water…it's based almost solely on connections and not on actual talent and education which I'm starting to discover.

I don't fit in as it is. Since I'm not on Facebook, I don't speak their "language". I don't know how else to make friends…if I join a group, I can't maintain a presence because of school (I'm a doctoral student).

I'm just worried that I'll hate myself or be jealous of people if I'm on there. You know, people actually having the connections to actually get work and to *gasp* actually get PAID for their work! I must be the only one that is to the point that I'm excited by even offensively low amounts of pay because I just don't get paid even when I'm supposed to!

And even worse…what if something were to happen to my relationship if we're both on Facebook? Then there's even more to emotionally detangle. I have a lot of anxiety of him just leaving me suddenly with no warning, no communication that anything's wrong and needs to be fixed…it's not even a fear based in reality I don't think. I mean, we do have the difficult conversations in order to fix issues but every time I do something wrong, state a need, or assert myself in any way, I'm afraid he's just going to say it's the last straw and that's it. It's my biggest fear.

I'm also beyond too terrified to add people myself if I DO end up on Facebook again, but I suspect some people would add me because I've been asked several times if I am on Facebook or not.

I just don't know what to do…I don't know if I can handle Facebook or not, but it feels like I have to. I've been debating this for a long time in my head and it feels like I've been forced to make a decision soon.