When I was younger I came to a time when I simply didn't have 'enough.' Looking back it was like I was playing near a cliff, and the first thing I needed to do was do what ever was necessary to get away from the cliff because you can slip even if you don't entirely mean it. I played there for quite some time, and then I made the commitment to get on to level ground. Basically, I put one foot in front of the other for a long time, did some more stupid stuff but not at that dangerous a level. I found a lot of joy in life later and more heart ache. I send you so much love and affection for being at such a hard point in your life. Good for you for reaching out, I reach back with a hug for as long as you need it..