Everyday week it gets worse. I'm not able to hide it so much at work anymore. Coworkers are noticing. I'm running out of energy. In the morning I just don't want to get out of bed. And its no so much a pervasive sadness but emptiness. I'm like this shadowy husk. There is a notable lack of close relationships in my life. I'm almost 30 and still single, due to mental health issues. I missed that period when young adults fall in love and get married. So I'm very much alone, despite living with family. Still, and always, alone.

Work is getting more and more difficult for me to deal with. Today I dissociated. I got so overwhelmed I had no idea what was going on, and my coworker even asked if I was okay. And I just wasn't quite in reality. I dissociate a lot, not intentionally, I just mentally go somewhere else because I don't want to be here. Its especially bad when I get really stressed out. Since I work retail and its the holiday season, I'm getting stressed out every day and I'm the only person in my department. People, my supervisor, coworkers, and employees are pulling me in every which direction at the same time and my brain just goes, "Nope. Not handling this." I lose touch with whatever is going on and feel completely lost. This seems to be common in people who have BPD. Just read about it in my book about it.

Every day I worry and fear that I'm going to get fired because of my performance. I try, but like...I'm terribly shy, soft spoken and introverted. And I'm supposed to convince people to get a credit card when I don't even believe in credit cards and I know it could do them more harm than good. And I just refuse to pitch it to the elderly. Its bad enough getting them to buy accessories, or low income shoppers. But I have sales goals each week and I'm not meeting them. I do try though. When I don't feel morally torn. Today I got two warranty plans, but I haven't gotten a credit card sale this week. I feel like they are going to fire me. At my last review I was told I'm the worst performer in my department despite being an amazing salesperson, it was all metrix sales. I have improved. A lot. But it just doesn't feel like its good enough. If I lose my job, I'll be in a really bad place. I already can't afford to pay my bills.

But I feel like a major failure at life in general. Like what's the point in trying any more. Right now its just going through the motions because I have to. But inside a part of me really wants to give up, and just shut myself away for the rest of my life. My dreams and ambitions are impossible to obtain.