I am afraid because I had convinced myself and everyone around me that I had won the fight against this disease. I am slowly realizing that I was having a prolonged period of stability and I never made a plan as to what to do if it wavered. Even my p-nurse said she didn't need to see me anymore. That was over a year ago.

I feel I am destabilizing now and I am in a position where I can't afford to be getting sick again. I need to get a good paying, steady job. I live alone with my children so I can't afford to be hospitalized again because the ex husbands will start custody talk again. They were ready to take the boys, which would separate them forever since there are two different dads. They don't live near each other and I don't think they would be motivated to keep the boys together. Also, I depend on their child support and if they were to take the kids I would lose my home as the child support is over half my income. I would have to pay them child support from my bed at a homeless shelter.

I am holding on so tightly, but I feel my mental state slipping and I don't know how much longer I can go on. Can I make it 14 years more until my youngest is on his own? Doubtful.

So my thoughts turn to death. I have to either witness my life falling apart and losing my kids, or make arrangements for it to happen after my death and therefore not have to live through that pain.

I can't bear to admit to anyone that I didn't win, that this disease still has a hold on my mind. I can't bear to see the looks of pity and disappointment in my parents' eyes. I can't bear the weight of being such a disappointment and failure to them.

So right now, I am living with my relapse as a secret and I have not fully surrendered to the relapse. It is coming... Do I try to treat it or do I try to keep it a secret?

I don't get manic. I just get either very depressed or very mixed. Can I just deal with it in secret, or will my life seriously implode?

What do I do???