This is a bit hard for me to write, because it's forcing me to really look at something that I think might destroy a relationship I cherish.

I'm having a really hard time with jealousy, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm starting to feel more anger and frustration in the relationship, and I'm not an angry person. Our relationship 95% of the time bright and full of laughter and warmth. I don't want it to change.

I've been dating my significant other for about a year. We're both quite serious, and she's an extremely committed person, and very family oriented. To be clear, I don't think there is a danger of her having an affair, but there is a relationship she has with an ex-boyfriend that I'm very uncomfortable with. I've tried to discuss this with her, and she says that I should understand that it's nothing, just the dynamic of a pretty unimportant friendship, and gets really frustrated by it. We've never really made it through the conversation on this without it turning into an argument. I don't feel validated in my feelings at all; I don't think she understands how much she's hurting me.

Ok, so the circumstance is that she has an ex-boyfriend. They dated for about 6 months three years ago. She ended it with him when she found out he was cheating on her, and it was never a very serious relationship to begin with. She says she never really even thinks of him as being a boyfriend, because it was never serious. He moved away, and then moved back near where she lives about a year ago, when she and I first met.

He is extremely flirtatious, from my perspective. He texts her comments about how he'd like to "take her to a dinner with Champaign and candle light" and that maybe he could talk her into one of her "special massages," afterwards. We were traveling in Japan, and her friend was visiting Africa, and when he got back he texted her, "Where is my welcome home kiss." This sort of thing. To her credit, she never responds to the sexual comments; she just sort of ignores them, and never says them herself. But she does respond to his invitation to the candlelight dinner, for example. Going out to dinner was important to their relationship and friendship. So he'll say, "I want to buy you candlelight dinner with Champaign, and maybe I can get one of your special massages," and she'll write back something like, "can't wait for that dinner." So she sort of reinforces it, but not directly.

What she does do is actively dismiss me as unimportant in her conversations with him. I don't know him, and have never met him, so this is all just me observing via the texts they exchange, which she has shown me. He'll text her something like, "What are you doing? Out with your boyfriend?" And she'll respond with something like, "Nope. No boyfriend here. Anyone you want to introduce me to? I'm looking."

To which he'll say, "You have a boyfriend!? If I had known you were looking I would have invited you over for a farewell kiss."

She'll respond with something like, "Nobody owns me."

We travel a lot, and have been to Japan, SF, Paris, and a few other places together this last year. She tells all her other friends about me, and I know most of the people that are close to her, but she always tells this guy that she's traveling alone when he asks if she's traveling with someone. He knows that she's dating me, knows that she comes and visits me (this is a long distance relationship), and makes references to me often, but almost like I'm a joke, and she always responds by dismissing me. For example, to him, she'd never say something like, "Yeah, we saw the Eiffel Tower and had a great time. I had a great time with him."

Additionally, they're drinking buddies. About once every 2 months, she goes to a friends party or another at a bar, and she will call this guy and invite him along. Because of the long distance relationship thing, I am not there most of the time to join, or I'm sure she would invite me, instead. Maybe she would invite us both, but she never has, probably because she knows I'm uncomfortable with him. Not sure. She will tell me after the fact that he was there, and sometimes makes it sound as if he texted her, when in fact she called and invited him. This doesn't happen very often, but last time they were out until 4 am., and she came home extremely intoxicated, calling her friend to make sure he got home OK (which she would do with any friend, to be fair). She is a caretaker by nature.

There's more, but it's much of the same. At the same time, I know how significant we are to her in all other aspects of her life. We've met each other's families, have good mutual friends in other areas. She has a son from a previous marriage, and I'm the only guy she's ever introduced him to. I believe that I our feelings for each other are genuine. It's just with this one guy. When I bring it up, she just says that she knows him, that's he's not flirting and is just joking around. She feels like I don't trust her.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I feel as if it's fair for me to ask her at the very least to be consistent with me and her friends when talking about me, to not pretend like I'm insignificant to her to him, and not to others. I would feel strange telling one friend about her, and then pretending like she didn't exist to another, or existed but was temporary or casual. On the other hand, she says that part of the reason she lies to this guy is because it's not a really close friend, and she doesn't really trust him since he cheated on her. So they sort of joking-lie about relationships to each other? I'm not sure I really understand.

I do not feel it is appropriate for one person to control the other person's friendships, and I'm not jealous of anyone else in her life. I don't have issues with any other ex-boyfriends; just this guy because he's right here and a constant reminder that maybe I'm not that unique in her life. I have a hard time living up to my own ideals in this case. I did break down and ask if she would not go out drinking with him all night, if she wanted to hang out could it be over lunch or something. She hasn't gone drinking with him since, though not for lack of trying - they had something set up and they tried really hard to keep it, but the didn't meet up. She later pretended like he'd texted her and she'd just said she was out with friends and couldn't meet up.

I have tried a few ways to coup with this. I asked her that if it's unimportant, would she mind next time he texted her a sexual comment, to write back something like, "Hey, thanks. Real quick - you know I'm in a pretty serious relationship now, and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Mind if we cut back on the suggestive jokes?" Or something like that. She said she would but didn't. I was hoping she could have the friendship that isn't based on either dismissing me or references to their past relationship.

So I asked her if she would mind just being very transparent about it, if it's just joking, to let me know when he's texting her and be very forthcoming about what's being said, so it doesn't feel like it is under the table. She said she would, but then deleted all his texts and has not once told me when he texts. If I ask, she'll tell me, but gets irritated by it.

I don't know what to do. I'm not used to being an angry person, but this is really starting to get to me. I'm trying really hard not to let this destroy what I'm feeling, but I think it's a real threat.

Thoughts? I'm hoping that an outside opinion will help me, either help me deal with my own emotions, or let me feel validated so I can let it go.

Thanks