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Originally Posted by justbreathe1994
Hi,
I am new to this site and just thought maybe this could be a helpful and safe place to seek support. I am very attached to my T (and I know I am not the only one, despite how lonely it feels at times) and really wish she was my Mom. We see each other a lot during the week in addition to our sessions as I am in a program she helps lead, so you could say seeing her so much definitely doesn't help with the attachment. When I first told her about the Mom stuff and how attached I had become, she was so warm and caring. Lately, however, as I seem to be getting more triggered by her (even a change in her tone of voice sends me into a complete spiral about her not caring), she is acting a lot more distant. I am so afraid my attachment and intense feelings are pushing her away, even though she keeps affirming that isn't happening. That's just not the way it seems. When I am triggered, she gets really irritated and says things like how it's not about her or her acceptance of me. She says it shouldn't matter whether she cares or not... I need to be strong on my own. I understand her wanting to promote independence in me, but all of it just feels so cold compared to her original reaction - full of warmth and compassion, affirmation and love. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar struggle and how they respond when T says things along these lines or changes their approach so much? I just feel so ashamed for wanting her acceptance so bad and her reaction just doesn't help... I only wish it was that easy  |
The best thing I've found is to find a time when you are NOT triggered ( maybe the start of a session??) And approach the issue directly when you are less emotional. Tell her you feel she has been less warm and compassionate and you are trying to understand this change.
Dont discount the fact that part of it may be your perception of the situation and not your t's behavior . after nearly 4 years with my T I have finally come to terms with the fact that 1. Most of the time when I think my T doesn't care she is actually acting the same as always. Because of my abuse my brain attaches way too much importance to small changes in voice etc. She reminds me that healthy people don't change how they feel about others constantly. I have this problem in other relationships as well though its highlighted with my T
2. When my t DOES act different I often unconsciously create the issue. I say "leave me alone!" Or something when what I really mean is "I need you!"
Its taken a lot of time to come to terms with those facts but as I have I have realized I do the same things in all my relationships so I am learning to relate to everyone from a place of more security. You may not have these issues but it's something to think about.
My T has occasionally lost patience with me over similar things. When we were both calmer she said that even tho she tries to control her emotions, its painful when you are trying hard to show caring for someone and they keep.lumping. you in with their abuser anyway. She will say things like " your mother was an evil, abusive person. You know I'm not. Try to.remember that"
I know its very painful and hard but you may find a lot of good come out if you address it all directly. Assuming your T is decent at her job.