When I know that I am getting manic, I push it to go higher and for longer, as long as I can. And I miss it when I am in a depression. I see it is destructive but I addicted to being destructive. I have to destroy myself one way or another, even if I don't know at the moment that I am doing it. When I am depressed I self-harm and restrict food. Being able to feel so amazing comes with a price and I am, unfortunately, willing to pay for it.