I have everything I am doing holistically speaking - in the "about me" section on my profile page. It is a long list so I won't list it here. I am not doing well. I meditated several hours today and it brought up a lot of crazy thoughts that seemed random and unrelated, and I was able to let go. But I will be alone for the holiday, I have to move alone in the new year, and look for a new job. I have no friends or family nearby. Today I got into bed early because I felt paralyzed with anxiety. I took the herbs valerian and passion flower. In the past I have tried to work through anxiety by staying active but sometimes it makes it worse. I don't know. I don't have any of the Christmas lights turned on tonight, and all the holiday packages I was supposed to mail today are sitting by the door. I am not feeling like I will self-harm so there is no reason to go to the hospital Emergency Room. I think I am vulnerable to stress and the stress of looking for work and a new place to live is over-whelming. Since my divorce and since my adult child left I have lived alone and it causes me to be intensely anxious. The thought of moving again for the second alone and living alone in a new place makes me feel extremely anxious. Holidays alone now mean nothing but extra money spent, and a reason to feel lonelier. I resent that they impinge on my life. My town has overdone it insanely with the holiday lights and when I was shopping on the outdoor mall last night I was blinded by the Christmas lights. Every tree was covered, every building outlined, every city bench decorated. It was surreal and insane looking and I could not understand why no one else thought so and why it was done...to invite shopping? There were a few shoppers but mostly panhandlers on the mall which is covered in over a foot of snow. So much about modern life is depressing. I will continue doing meditation but also packing and looking for a job. I can see where feeding anxiety and depression is counter-intuitive. On the other hand, the holiday season, with forced bravado and joy, and all the glitter, and shopping, is depressing. I have volunteered on the holiday others years and don't care about doing that this year. This is always suggested but if someone feels too depressed than hanging out at a homeless shelter or a hospital or at a home for the aged is not going to improve one's mood and it is just a superficial and rather fake act of so-called kindness. I truly hate it when people suggest this as if the person spending the holiday alone is stupid and doesn't know the options to being alone such as volunteer, or go to the movies.