It's been quite awhile since I last posted here. It's been a pretty rough go. I spent 9 days in the psych unit in September, had to drop my practicum and another class, just been trying to get by. I've been doing better, less depressed, even some really good days, but I still have a lot to work through.

My therapist gave me a Christmas card and a little gift again this year, and this year she signed the card "with love." Several months ago I would have been over the moon about that - knowing that she doesn't just care about me, but she actually loves me. All I've wanted my whole life long is for people to love me, and I think it's so sweet that she signed the card that way. But I only have 6 more sessions with her, spread out over the next few months until March. I am so aware of how I am emotionally distancing myself from my therapist exactly the way I began distancing myself from my mom when I was 12. Her moods started fluctuating and one minute she would be yelling at me, telling me she wished she'd never had kids and then apologizing profusely half an hour later, telling me how much she loved me. I still remember that feeling of pulling away from my mom - how something sort of died in me the day I decided not to let my mom into my heart anymore. That's what it feels like to know that therapy is coming to an end, to know that I have to say goodbye to my therapist. I think I might actually be angry with my therapist-muddled-up-with-my-mom, if I would allow myself to feel that. I know I am emotionally starting to close myself off from my therapist. I don't crave her hugs anymore, andI never ask for a hug anymore, although she always hugs me, which is fine. But I don't hold onto her so tight like I used to, and I just automatically go away somewhere in my mind, so I don't feel the hug, I don't feel her arms around me anymore. I don't feel anything anymore when she hugs me.