I'm a long writer and this entry won't be any different. For those of you who may have corresponded with me in the past, you know all my issues.

The newest corner of my personal hell is that my Mom seems to be dying. Or at least going downhill really fast. We have a crappy relationship. I was very fond of my Dad but he died in 2003. My mom probably has NPD and Borderline, that's just a guess. I spent a lot of time hating her and mourning the fact that I never had a loving mom. She's had 3 moderate strokes in the last few years. The 2nd (that we know of) was in September. The 3rd was 3 weeks ago.

She and my sister moved with her to Northern VA in 2012/2013 because our home state of CA didn't seem to have any job opps. Long story short I hated it and moved to Houston to take advantage of their economy. But now oil and gas is down and companies are not hiring technical writers like they used to. So I want to go back home to CA. My mom has wanted to go back home as well. Thanks in large part to a good therapist in VA and a good one here, I've managed to start forgiving my mother. I no longer hate her, we used to talk about finally getting back to CA where I planned to live with her and help her out whenever possible while I worked. Now I don't know if it's possible.

Im also working a job in retail which I don't enjoy at all. I've endured harassment by a misogynist, homophobic, possibly racist, Islamophbic, transphobic piece of trash for nearly a year. I was hoping to not be at this ****** job by this time. But here I am.

I am normally active (gym, cycling) but I've lost interest. I don't want to pursue sexual or romantic relationships anymore. I never have any money and I can't pay my bills. I just feel like nothing really matters. I've been on meds since 2005. I went back to the Dr. yesterday and he took me off of my ADD meds because he thinks all the crap I'm dealing with is the reason for my lack of concentration. So he put me on Wellbutrin (generic) as an add-on to my effexor. My meds usually work well, but I'm just overwhelmed right now. I don't care about socializing, or exercising or cycling. I just exist and I wonder what the hell the point is.

That's my story, but I wish it wasn't.