I am sorry for how I am sounding. I have not ever been diagnosed as bipolar but I sometimes feel I have mixed episodes where I get very anxious and at the same time feel depressed. I purposely had no caffeine today because I could feel the anxiety building up. I am normally not anti-social although I am a bit introverted and shy in new surroundings, and I don't like retreating for long periods (I was speaking here about doing a meditation retreat which is a set activity with a beginning and end, and used to progress in meditation) except circumstances seem to have put me here. I really want to get out of this. I am disappointed I have not changed my life for the better since my divorce, and I guess this is highlighted during the holidays. I am determined to get through this without medications and that is the main reason I am still posting on this thread. Others have said they felt envious of those doing healing holistically, but it is just as difficult as trying to find the right medication and therapist. Thank you for listening. You are very kind.