kvinneakt, you are at the very beginning of exploring this issue, and based on the things I have read so far in this thread, I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her about this before you really have it worked out in your own mind.

But I did ask myself the question of what would I think if my husband told me something like this (I am not married, but I did just split with a man I had lived with for 11 years). The thing that keeps coming back to me is not anything about living a lie, but wondering if this means my husband does not really want to be my husband, or does not really love me. I think I remember you saying once before that you love your wife very much, and could not imagine living without her. So, I was going to say that if you told her about your gender dysphoria, you should start and finish by reassuring her that you loved her, and that you would never want your marriage to end.

So, here's the thing...I sorta think that it's the wrong time to tell her, if you decide to ever tell her. But, I am also thinking that maybe she needs some reassurance that you love her, and that you want to be her husband, even though you are not telling her. Sometimes depression causes us to act withdrawn, which can make those closest to us question our feelings for them. I'm just guessing here, but maybe when she said she needs a husband, she was really just looking for that reassurance that you need her as a wife, too. You two have shared a lifetime together...I think it might be a very good thing to tell her that you value that lifetime, and that even though right now you need her to be a friend, she is more than "just a friend" to you. (Did that make any sense?)

Anyway, that's just my two cents...maybe I'm way off base.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
*hugs*
mj