I know that the details seem sort of black & white; it's hard for me to come to terms with a bit because I could never see doing the same back. I value the past relationships I've had, but I also feel that they belong in the past. The things that needed to be said were said already, and I don't need to keep them around. They will only cause a hard time for the person I care about now.

But she is from a different culture, and never abandons anyone. Part of what makes her special is her infinite capacity to care for others. I believe she really and truly does not see her actions as flirtatious; she feels as if I am not really listening to her when she says it means nothing. In her culture, it's much more common for guys and girls to maintain close friendships. So, I think there is some cultural differences here, too, and I want to respect that.

Her inability to not be friends with past ex's has caused her troubles in the past. Every one of her significant relationships has at one point had a fight because of a conversation she had with a previous boyfriend. I believe she really does believe that when you find good people, you can be friends with them and should stand by them if needed. I want to be the one boyfriend that truly understands and accepts her, and in a way that includes accepting that she can maintain old relationships with exes.

Her unwillingness to give up on someone is one of her greatest qualities. She's one of the kindest people I have ever met, and - to me - seems somewhat naive in how she views his texts. She once worked herself to exhaustion for for two years to pay for her younger sister's schooling.

But it makes me frustrated, too - when I ask her how she would feel if I were doing the same, she says that of course she would be hurt. But that's because it's a new dynamic; in this case it's just how the friendship has always been, and I don't understand him, and that she knows he's just joking.

I have a hard time making it all add up. If it were really so unimportant, why would she be so unwilling to ask him to be less sexually suggestive? That seems like such a small request compared to the amount of hurt I'm feeling. So, I have to conclude that somehow it is important. I think she is afraid that I will leave her, and so she needs something insignificant that she can feel like she would be OK if it fell apart. But, that is causing us to fall apart, potentially.

Anyway... is there any way that I can address this that is not so extreme as breaking up? I hate, hate, hate feeling this way, but I do believe this girl is special. Is there anyone that sees her perspective in this, that can help me understand?

Thank you again. It helps to be able to talk about it without worrying about making her feel untrusted. She's never been able to understand that it's not even that I think she's likely to make a mistake with him - she says she's never gone back to an ex ever, and never would... but she doesn't understand that it feels like there are three of us in the relationship, and he's a constant reminder that what I'm sharing with her, well, that it's something that is not unique to me and her. I don't worry about ex-boyfriends much, except he forces me to think about it all the time, every time he comes up.

That's probably why she doesn't like telling me. She used to be more open about it, and I think I've sort of forced her into a corner, where she feels I am being unnecessarily paranoid.

Anyway.