Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks
I prefer not to post my own threads for the most part. But occasionally something comes to mind, from my past or present life, that I think might be useful to share. This is one of those posts.
A few members, here on PC, may be aware that I have made 2 serious suicide attempts in the past. One was probably 10 or 12 years ago. The second was about 2 years ago. However, these were not my first suicidal gestures.
Probably 20 or so years ago, there was another one which is the subject of this post. I won't go into the details of why this occurred. I'm not sure if I even remember for certain. But something happened that upset me. My wife & I lived in the country at the time. We had a small home with a detached garage. And, whatever it was that set me off, I suddenly, & without thought, went into the garage, closed the doors & started the car.
The garage was a handyman special that a previous owner of the property had built. To say it was not airtight would be to say the least! My wife was also outside at the time. And almost as soon as I had started the car, she came into the garage. She did not realize what was going on & I, of course, did not tell her. I don't recall what was said. But I presume I just made up some quick story & we went on with our day. This event was "silly" because realistically there was no way this action was going to result in my demise. It was just a sudden, impulsive act.
What didn't occur to me until fairly recently, was that this was a harbinger of things to come. Both of my later serious suicide attempts were spur-of-the-moment acts... no forethought... no planning... The incident in the garage all those years earlier was a demonstration of what I am capable of... or perhaps what I might be prone to... spontaneous attempts to end my life. Had I understood them in that way, I perhaps might have spared myself & my wife the anguish & the expense of my subsequent attempts.
So I offer this story as a way of illustrating that what may seem like idle suicidal ideation, or seemingly meaningless gestures, may in fact be prophets of things to come... maybe not right away... but perhaps years down the road. Please take pay attention...  |
Wow. Sharing that was really eye opening and powerful, so thank you.
I have been dealing with suicidal ideation for quite some time now. I'm 23 years old and I think daily about ending my life. I've been in and out of recovery from my eating disorder (EDNOS) and OCD, and am now being 'tested' for BPD. I have lost all interest in pretty much anything. My passions have turned into chores. I'm tired almost all the time and I feel very indifferent about life altogether. In fact, I can't imagine a future for myself. I don't want to live more years feeling this way. It's such a pointless existence.
However, I've convinced myself and my therapist that I can't follow through with suicide because I am catholic and to do so is a major sin. My OCD makes things pretty black and white sometimes, and I have huge fear of being condemned to another hell in exchange for this one. But I have sat with a razor blade to my wrist and stared at the little blue vein and wondered how deep I'd have to go to cut into it. I've picked up bottles of pills and read the labels to see how many MG was in each tablet, and researched online the amount I would have to take to overdose causing death.
I have sat and thought about the time of day I would do it, the place I would do it, how I would go about it. Everything. I have put way too much thought into this.
I have gone to the emergency room because on a walk I spontaneously felt the need to just walk into traffic. I have been to the emergency room for suicidal ideation twice now, and all they do is give me medication that makes me very sleepy and knocks me out for about a day. I am at such a loss. Is that really the only way to make these feelings go away?
I have considered admitting myself into a psych ward in a last ditch attempt to save myself.
I'm sorry I'm dumping this all on you. I'm just so... I can relate and what you said hit me so hard. I don't even know where I'm going with this, except that I have been trying hard to ignore these feelings today and they aren't going anywhere. Anyway, thank you.