I was in a roleplaying community, and last night decided to retire from it. Because I felt inconsequential. Ever since my mental illness took a downward turn, the people who use to be my closest friends started ignoring me and ditching me. It got to a point where signing onto the site just made me feel worse. And worse. And worse. And hurt. A few people were happy to see me, but they weren't my supposed closest friends. Last night I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Not just because I got ditched and ignored, but also because I'm too depressed to feel motivated to write. There's a lack of inspiration. For weeks I would sign on and just stare at the screen and am like, "Nope. Can't do this." And sign off.

So I announced I was retiring my profile and sent messages to some of the people who were my closer friends, thanking them for writing with me and so on. One of them reacted badly, saying I used them. People were happy I was there but they weren't my favorites so they didn't matter. He told me not to text him anymore and that our friendship is over.

I woke up depressed. And got even more depressed because I thought our friendship went beyond the RP community. I was fully intended to remain friends with him. So I screwed up and lost all except one of my RP friends. Who was ironically not someone I was very close to, but was the most persistent about us being friends. And caring. So she won my trust and friendship. She didn't ditch me when I started becoming mentally ill, and made an effort to be very supportive. Nor does she care that I'm not roleplayin with her anymore.

I guess I get confused about who is my real friend, and who isn't. People I think who are true friends, turn out not to be. And those I barely give the time of day to turn out to be the best kind of friend you can have. I don't understand friendships. I've got a book coming to help me figure these things out. I have a therapist too, but I'm already working on a ton of things in therapy. I am basically my Marylin quote....unstable and insecure. I NEED to be reassured by my friends, otherwise I think the worst and that they don't want to be my friends. I get tired of being the only one putting effort into friendships too. That isn't how they work, right?