Jealousy is the art of counting someone else's blessings instead of your own.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
Our relationship 95% of the time bright and full of laughter and warmth. I don't want it to change.
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Everything changes.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
I don't feel validated in my feelings at all; I don't think she understands how much she's hurting me.
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I don't think she cares. To be fair, jealousy begins and ends in us - not the other person. So in this sense, you are hurting you. In order for that pain to go away, it is my belief that you must accept that she has made a choice. Changing her behavior to accommodate your feelings is not going to happen. Can you accept that?
Ok, so the circumstance is that she has an ex-boyfriend. They dated for about 6 months three years ago. She ended it with him when she found out he was cheating on her, and it was never a very serious relationship to begin with. She says she never really even thinks of him as being a boyfriend, because it was never serious. He moved away, and then moved back near where she lives about a year ago, when she and I first met.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
He is extremely flirtatious, from my perspective.
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And from mine.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
What she does do is actively dismiss me as unimportant in her conversations with him. I don't know him, and have never met him, so this is all just me observing via the texts they exchange, which she has shown me. He'll text her something like, "What are you doing? Out with your boyfriend?" And she'll respond with something like, "Nope. No boyfriend here. Anyone you want to introduce me to? I'm looking."
To which he'll say, "You have a boyfriend!? If I had known you were looking I would have invited you over for a farewell kiss."
She'll respond with something like, "Nobody owns me."
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Absolute deal breaker for me. Obviously, not for you. Which is okay, but I think you have become a welcome mat.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
I do not feel it is appropriate for one person to control the other person's friendships, and I'm not jealous of anyone else in her life. I don't have issues with any other ex-boyfriends; just this guy because he's right here and a constant reminder that maybe I'm not that unique in her life. I have a hard time living up to my own ideals in this case.
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It is my opinion that the reason that you are having difficulty living up to your own ideals in this instance is because you are basing your ideals on an ideal relationship. This is not an ideal relationship.
Let me tell you something about my relationship. I have been with my wife for thirty years. We've never had a fight or even a serious disagreement. While she is responsible for her own happiness and me for mine, never has a day gone by that I haven't asked myself, "What can I do right now to make her life happier?" And then I do it. It might be to get up and get us coffee right after I determined that I don't have the strength to get up and make myself a coffee. It might be agreeing five minutes ago to do a duet with her at a family gathering tomorrow. A duet? Seriously. I'd rather have a root canal. But the smile on her face when I rolled my eyes and said 'I'd love to' - made me love the idea.
Now with my wife, that kind of love and commitment is reciprocated. That means that even if she disagrees, the thought that she is causing me pain takes precedence over everything. And vice versa. We are Team Us. If I felt jealous over anything, no matter how trivial and unsubstantiated, she'd fix it. I never have by the way, nor has she - because we kind of go out of our way to let the world know how stupid in love we are every chance we get. Nobody even tries.
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Originally Posted by JamesUnsure
I have tried a few ways to coup with this. I asked her that if it's unimportant, would she mind next time he texted her a sexual comment, to write back something like, "Hey, thanks. Real quick - you know I'm in a pretty serious relationship now, and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Mind if we cut back on the suggestive jokes?" Or something like that. She said she would but didn't. I was hoping she could have the friendship that isn't based on either dismissing me or references to their past relationship.
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This is as reasonable a request as anyone has ever made. That she didn't is significant to me and, because you wrote this post, I'm going to guess that it is significant to you too - but you don't want it to be. You want it to mean something else and you're hoping one of us can frame this in a way that it might possibly mean something reasonable. I can't help you there. I don't think anyone will be able to.