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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
Sorry for the second thread, but this is a different issue.
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I like reading your stuff so pfft.
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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
I've been having a very hard time feeling secure in my relationship. It's nothing he's doing…he's pretty much done everything correctly. But I know I'm an awful, difficult person who's not even traditionally pretty, so I don't really understand why or how he is able to love me or how he's attracted to me so I guess I'm afraid it's all been a lie and he's just going to say ha ha just kidding! and suddenly leave me. I don't know why…he's been there through all the hard stuff and we've been both separately having difficult times in our lives.
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Forgive me for this, but I'm going to share something I dug up recently. I'm not sharing it for self-indulgent purposes, I'm hopeful you might 'get it' and realize that the self-image, the not traditionally pretty, etc., becomes meaningless at some point. I wrote this to my wife many years ago; we've been together thirty years now.
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When we are advised to “accept ourselves for who we are” we automatically consider and reconcile ourselves to our shortcomings. We try to accept the fact that we’re a bit overweight or not the most experienced person in the office; we accept that we’ll never be as smart as Kyle or have flawless skin like Jessica. To truly accept ourselves as we are we need to go beyond and behind our fears and first actually see ourselves as we truly are. Consider this:
Until I met you, never has a woman been able to stupefy me with her beauty. You know that it’s true. You’ve watched as our conversation sputters, my train of thought gone, the complete bewilderment and utter confusion on my face as I get lost in you. To me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known; but beauty couldn’t have me.
You are the most intelligent woman I have even met. Intellectually gifted, street smarts, emotional intelligence, you are the complete package. I bring everything to you; holding nothing back because of a fear that you won’t understand. The subject might be obscure, the concept revolutionary, the depth daunting – but you intuitively grasp whatever subject matter I bring to you; but intelligence couldn’t have me.
You possess a self-awareness born of wisdom attributable only to an old soul. Your ability to peer behind fear and see things as they truly are is astounding. You’ve amazed me from the first day we met and that amazement only grows. Able to grow beyond your programming, you are freer than most will ever be. From our earliest days I knew and I shared with you my desire to always watch the world reflected through your eyes. You are my beloved teacher; but wisdom couldn’t have me.
When love abides in a person, there is a light that emanates from them; the energy from that light is palpable and measurable. We ponder the strange behavior of the moth, drawn inexorably to the light and yet, their behavior is far from strange; all living things are drawn to the light. You are my light, you lift me up and help me to become more than I could be without you. Only love could have me; it took love.
Love is light, light is energy and energy has a frequency that determines compatibility between other sources of energy. Whatever you think of me baby, whatever significance you might attribute to me, whatever spirituality or love you find in me, know that in all the universe, you are my perfect balance. Accept yourself for who you are; accept your greatness and your divinity. Dare to reject the diseased and decrepit tapes, which speak of insignificance and brokenness. See yourself as you truly are. See yourself as the only woman I’ve ever felt worthy to be my world.
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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
Maybe I'm just young and stupid though…
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My reaction to the first post I read from you was that this person is incredibly insightful and intelligent. Nothing you've written since has changed my mind.
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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
The reason I'm really so afraid he's going to suddenly leave me is because he's the first person who's ever really bothered to truly listen to me. My family is absolutely incapable of emotional support so I'll have no support if something were to happen to him. And I'm just not capable of making and maintaining friendships. No one really has time for that in a doctoral degree anyway…but still, even if I did, I am absolutely terrified of people. I'm the sort that everyone will take advantage of because I'm nice and will do everything someone wants. I don't really have much in common with women and I'm even more terrified and untrusting of men.
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Everything you've said makes sense in context. Your fears are reasonable for a person who has lived your life. But at the end of the day, all we have is now. Fear or no fear, if that day ever comes, you will likely be in just as difficult a spot as you imagine. Don't imagine the nightmare so vividly that you live it before it happens...if it happens at all.