So he comes out to the waiting room to get me and he's wearing this horrendous shirt. It has these yellow squares all over it. I was trying not to stare, but I was trying to figure out what they were. I seriously thought they were cheese cubes. A couple of sessions ago he has on this brown and tan tropical number... today the appetizer shirt... Where the %#@&#! is he coming up with these? Normally he doesn't wear prints, but when he does.... he sure gives it his all!

So once I got past the shirt, it was down to business. We connected today. I talked. A lot. And smiled for the first time in weeks.

He begins the session by saying, "I have a question for you. It's just a theoretical question, of course.... If you had a patient with whom you needed to discuss a scheduling issue with, but the patient didn't want to talk about it, what would you do?" I said, "Oh, well... this is only theoretical, right?" Then I told him, "Okok, let's just cut the crap and talk about it." So it goes like this:

Next week I have Tuesday and Friday.
The following week he won't be here.
(I tried to act casual and mature about it but I was already falling apart)
Then he said he thought of an idea that might help. Since I can only come on Fridays from that point on, how about doing an hour and half session each Friday? WHAT?!

Of course I pretended to be casual and mature about this as well and told him I would think about it and let him know next week.

Then we really started to talk about last week's session. And he said more than I had ever heard him say before. He said that last week he felt disconnected, too. That when I had asked him if he was mad at me for SI'ing on my wrist and having suicidal ideation, he had said "no," when in actuality, he really was mad. He said that when he thought about it this week, he realized that just like me, he didn't want to bring those feelings up. He asked if all of this was okay. Then he told me he didn't realize at the time how much the doctor wanting to get me a 2nd opinion would affect me-- that it was another form of abandonment... and that I would soon transfer it onto him. He told me it was a very difficult session for both of us. Then I told him what I wanted so badly to say... "I felt so far away from you and you weren't making it any easier." Then he said that he felt that although it was such a difficult session, that a deeper connection was made possible because of it. That a certain something happened, that wouldn't have occurred if it weren't for that last session.

We talked a lot about how I don't integrate different parts of my personality. How I see myself as parts and not a whole person. I told him how the other night the child was out and I wrote in my journal from the child. I told him I was embarassed to read the things I wrote directly, but I described some of the content. I told him how I was crying for such childish things... I was crying that night because I didn't want to go to work and I wanted to get more sleep... and how it felt like when you are a little child and you don't want to go to school the next day... and how I wished I could stay home the next day and have someone take care of me. He asked me who stayed home with me when I was little. I said.. my mom of course, b/c she didn't work. She was always home." And he said, "Yeah... but was she really home? She wasn't there for you like you wanted. So of course you would want that now." He expressed that he is very interested in exploring more about the inner child.

We talked about a dream I had last week in which I got two letters back from my school in regards to my doctoral application. One letter was from one of my professors who actually wrote me a letter of recommendation. In the dream, she sent me a rejection letter for the doctoral program. The other letter was an acceptance letter from the admissions dept. I had the two letters and didn't know what to do. I told T how this was another representation of my disconnect between two extremes. Then he added something else really interesting. He asked me about the professor. I told him how she was a nice professor... not the best, but for some reason she was the kind of woman I just wanted to hug and hold onto for a long time... and T said, "And in the dream, she rejected you." Wow. I hadn't even thought of that.

And the end of the session he said he wanted me to think about something for Tuesday. He wanted me to think about the Schubert CD he gave me and how that has functioned for me as far as keeping me connected. I had told him how at the piece (it is a four movement string quartet) had been frustrating to me because it was such a difficult piece. I told him today, "The Schubert piece is like me. It's so disconnected and I can't integrate it's parts." He said, "Well I told you I selected this one because it reminded me of you. Not necessarily because of disconnection, but because like you, it has beauty, mystery... all different parts." I almost fell off the %#@&#! chair. Then he said that he also selected it because Schubert composed it during one of the most difficult parts of his own life... and although it was filled with frustration and sadness, there is also so much beauty to it.

I am going to seriously think about and write about the function of Schubert's piece in relation to myself and my connection to T. The music became so frustrating to me because it was so inaccesible. I heard it as disconnected, nothing to latch on to... like me. Different parts that I cannot integrate... like me. T also gave it to me during a time in which I could not latch onto anything... I thought that him giving me this CD would be magical... unfortunately, it was at a time in which I was not able to hold onto anything. And that proved even more frustrating and disappointing. I had been so numb. Two nights ago I cried for the 1st time in a long time. I was able to feel something again. Today in therapy, I felt again. I think it is time to give the Schubert piece another try.

So after he told me the whole thing about the Schubert piece and all that, he said, "You are very insightful." Then he said, "This is one of those times where you know it's the place to end the session, and say no more." I agreed.

And now I wait for Tuesday with possibly something to hold onto this time.