Maybe you are attempting to evaluate yourself and your level of progress by connecting with an attractive younger woman to gauge if you still have what it takes to wreck yourself. Like a form of test. If I can resist the temptation to seduce this young, attractive married woman then I'm passing the test. Why put yourself there? Just in case your wife fails you at some point because you feel guilty and undeserving of such a loyal wife? Fear your wife will start revisiting your past mistakes? Fear your wife will leave you for a younger more attractive man? What's running the whole show? Fear? Fear is invalidating to anyone. Cripples the mind. Would make you feel as though you can't make your mind up about what's happening to you. Just thoughts that appeared when I read your post. A new beginning where the past mistakes never happened. Writing it out to get it out of your system and take a good look at yourself from someone else's perspective or point of view. Whose point of view are you trying to see? Your wife's, your parents, your friends? Or your own where you can resist the temptation of seducing her but not hearing her say that you could, if you wanted to.