Take a step back. Okay. I can do that. If that's what's the best thing I can do. I'll do it gladly. Because I feel like I've done everything I could do, and there's nothing left. I'll let these people go. With love. I mean, I'm not going to lash out at them and trash them with anger and hatred. I hate to lose more people, but one thing life has taught me is that everything, including relationships, are temporary. Nothing lasts forever. And I'd rather step away quietly in peace then throw a tantrum.
I know all about self-absorption myself. Its something I've been working on the past few months. It's really easy when you have SO much wrong with you, to not be able to think outside of those problems. Add spinal degeneration and epilepsy and you're like, "Why. I'm just a walking compilation of problems." That is really negative thinking, but its really how I feel most of the time. But I've been trying very, very hard to think outside of myself, develop more empathy and treat other people better. People describe me as being very sweet, kind and compassionate. But when the problems become overwhelming, its like a bubble forms around your brain and you can't pop it. Right now my problems are very overwhelming. I'm crashing into a depressive episode, which has been occurring for two months. Now it's getting bad. I'm doing what I can to avoid hitting a level where I need to be hospitalized.
The few friends I do have though? They are so wonderful. They're great teachers. And treat me like I matter when so few people do. I guess that's what makes them friends, right?

I've been making a point to discuss their problems too and empathize with them, so it isn't always about me. We also discuss other topics, so its not always depression talk. That's good, right? Am I doing that right?
I need a course on relationships. My parents were horrible teachers. Hostile, volatile, angry and constantly fighting. There were not loving toward each other. I developed PTSD partially from my parents during childhood. They never had a normal relationship. My mother hated all my friends and treated them bad whenever they came over. My dad was the exact opposite. Everything I did with friends was controlled. I didn't have freedom until I was 18 and in college, to even walk down the road without supervision. My sister was more of a mom to me than my mother, and she was also emotionally abusive and manipulative. My dad was always working and had no emotions. I wasn't hugged as a child. And having been violated makes hugging and physical contact even more uncomfortable. There are plenty of explanations to describe why these struggles exist. But yes. I am trying to overcome them. Always.