(((((((((((((((((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))))))))))))) so sweet you are.

I am feeling better this morning about the whole weekend. I got some much needed rest and can look at it a little differently.

You are 100% correct. I hope my doctor see's this too. He is a really good doctor, so I am sure he won't be too upset. Its the fact that I have to take in this intake tomorrow am, I am worried. He will insist that I keep going for the IV's and I was crossing my fingers that I was able to get through this weekend with success so I could dis-continue these. But I can't see that happening.

The problem is, I had a job interview, and was offered a position. I really wanted to take some of my focus and aim towards not just the negative things that I need to work through, but get some balance with other things. I ended up turning down this job in the end only because it would be hard on my back. But I have a interview on Tuesday with the store I really wanted to work at.

I felt really great handing out a couple of resume's, and both called me in a day. I love working, being out in the "real world". Its only part time, and its at a retail store. I need this. I am also getting a membership at the rec center for the kids and myself. Well all of us, bf too. Its a family pass that's good for a year. They have so many wonderful programs; sports (which I love), crafts, swimming, acquatics, and the list goes on. We need to have some fun, to live for once in a long time. Then maybe I can say to myself, "Well I can't take laxatives, I have a job, and we are going to do activites; so I can't take these or I will be stuck at home." And if I keep starving myself, how can I function doing these things?

What I am saying is, I want more then this. I want more then this for my family. I love doing all these things I just talked about, and I miss it. I don't want to be depressed all the time, with only thinking about Elizabeth being sick. There is more to life, and its important for my kids to know that mom is going to be alright. Maybe with some normality for them, for all of us, this light that keeps going out will stay bright for longer. Sure I will have to replace this light everynow and again, but those are the minor "duties" (so to speak). At least I can reach this light instead of trying so darn hard to get to it and just get knocked down and set back. Do I make sense??

Don't get me wrong, please. I am not saying that I don't need help and that I am not going to deal with these issues. I do need help, but not just this focus. I think having a balance is important. So if I keep walking and falling in the path I have decided to stay in right now, I will never find the others, the ones with my goals along the way. I want to find these paths and have more of a life.

One day, I want to write a book. I would love to be able to help others get through the tough times in life and see that there is so much more for us. I really want to have more in place where I live for eating disorders. When I feel recovered, and I know I can fall back, I really would like to set up some kind of outreach center for people with this illness. Its a goal, and its far from the now. Isn't that what goals are though?? Not just a goal, but a dream.

So doesn't this sound like living?? I sure think it does.

One opps is not the end, nor 2 or 3.... just a learning process. I know I can do it, just like all of you trying to fight for your well deserved lives.

I am thinking of all of you, have a great day,

Justy