Yes. There are people going through worse. The one manager commented that it couldn't get worse, and I told him that it honestly could. Despite being in a bad place, I have been in a worse place in the past. So far there has been an absence of active suicidal thinking. Which is very, very good. If that starts happening, then it will really be bad. If I became paralyzed it would be worse. There are ways my situation could be drastically more desperate.

But that doesn't negate the current suffering or make it better. I'll be fine though.

Most of my life I have faced things on my own. I don't necessarily turn to friends for guidance and advice, but as an ear for venting when I need to. Occasionally I ask for advice. And I don't just vent. We discuss other things too. Sometimes venting in the moment keeps me from escalating, but I don't do it every time I'm in that state. Most of my life I've faced everything on my own. I mean...you can't complain about the same thing over, and over and over again and expect things to magically change. So I vent once and leave it at that.

I would like to see my therapist weekly again, especially if I'm starting those two new therapy treatments. Usually I feel better. Sometimes I leave more conflicted or feeling worse. As expressive as I am here? I'm not like that in person. Getting me to talk is like pulling teeth. Voicing how I really feel, verbally, is excruciatingly difficult. Discussing the real, underlying problems...its hard to find my voice at all. I wasn't allowed to have problems as a kid or teen, I received zero support from my parents and sister. I was told I didn't have problems, or they were stupid, and sent away. I wasn't allowed to talk about them. So its very difficult to get myself to open up. But I do make the effort. I'm telling her on the 24th exactly what I need, even though doing so is causing me anxiety and discomfort, and it won't be easy to do. But if she can't see me weekly? Well. I guess that's that. I'll manage.

She hasn't given me any advice on how to deal with past issues. She only said we need to discuss them.