It really sucks waiting for meds to work! I made the mistake of wanting to find out what I felt like off meds. Now I know. I've gone from too tired to work effectively (from previous meds) to too depressed. Shame really because I came here to prove myself as a scientist and I'm failing miserably. It may not have worked out even if I hadn't got depressed - I'm too slow and I have little confidence. It didn't help much working with two people who put me down the whole time - and they weren't always right!

I think I've given up doing nice things for myself. I'm making it into work most days (there are nice people there now), which I congratulate myself on given the amount of effort it takes. Then there's the effort it takes to actually do something while I'm there....

I feel horrible getting in really late or after a day off sick or leaving early. I told the nice new people I'm struggling with depression and they were lovely about it, but I still feel like they're seeing me float in and out of work and thinking what a nice life it must be. I've been hiding from my 8 housemates for 3-4 weeks, hoping the ADs will kick in so I feel a little like being around them again. I have to get a bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding in November. Fortunately, I have a fellow depressive to come with me and look. I'm not going to disappoint my sister.

I should go through my handouts from the hospital day program last year. I need to start doing nice things for myself, and I can't remember what I thought of back then. I remember being told I should do things before I feel like doing them (like talking to housemates) because the activity helps the depression.

What a waste of a life being miserable the whole time, huh!