Recently I decided to take a bit of a step with dealing with my issues. I'm used to meditation, but started doing a routine on feeling my body and emotions present in the body. It was unpleasant at times, but manageable and I think it's a way of getting better. I'm really committed to feeling my body in the past few weeks, hunger, pleasure, pain, everything

Yesterday I was visiting a friend. She's an amazing person, even though I don't know her very long. She was friendly and personal very fast while I tend to keep my distance at first. I decided to take a big step out of my comfort zone and open up a lot sooner than I'd normally do because she's just such so sweet and I sort of wanted to match her level of familiarity. She's studying to be a special education teacher and I ended up talking about my experience growing up with ADHD and a bunch of learning disabilities before the teachers took it seriously. They didn't put me in a special class only because my intelligence was apparently "well above average". I also talked about the stories I wrote when I was young. I was shaking a bit, but I just thought it's a momentary thing. I was feeling otherwise OK and really enjoyed it, we talked about lots of different stuff as well.

Then I left. I was fairly nervous, because I was about to pick up my first ever sex toy from the store (see first paragraph about learning to feel my body). All I was talking about was circling my head. I realized how symbolic all my stories were to what was happening at home and how the problems translated to the hell that were my school years. I remembered the state I was when I was writing them. They were pretty scary even if you didn't know what they were really about. And suddenly it all seemed all too present. I felt panicked, there was nowhere to hide from what I was feeling and it was a lot. I was terrified of going home, of facing the demands of the people there. I was walking around town for about three hours, praising my ability to act normal and the darkness that hid my tears. It was pretty cold, rainy, I was exhausted and didn't know what to do, I was really in a state of panic when I texted my ex if he had a moment on the phone, that I'm not feeling well and that I don't want to go home. He just happened to be driving through here, he took me for some tea. Talking with him always helps. But after I felt better, we started talking about the relationship. It was respectful in tone, but sad. We made a real mess out of it when we were together. He said he loves me and I do love him, but we just don't work together at this moment in time.

Today I woke up tired, sad and feeling empty. I feel like crying, I'm just so exhausted and don't know what to do with myself.