Hey,

I've been working on my mental health and emotional well-being for the past five years. I saw a therapist for three years before I had to give up my job due to physical illness. For the last couple of years, I've still remained in contact with my T via texts and email as she agreed to be there for me even though I cannot pay her for it right now. I've even seen her a few times.

I've come such a long way from dissociation to feeling my emotions more and more. I've grieved childhood losses due to my parents being emotionally unavailable and even abusive. I'm starting to feel like I'm nearing what my T calls our 'natural state' now - joy. But this is where I feel stuck.

I'm scared to be happy. I'm scared someone will take it away from me. I think this goes back to my mum who didn't want me to be happy. I'm guessing it was too painful for her to see other people happy when she feels her dad trampled on her dreams when she was young. Her marriage to my dad has also been an etremely unhappy one.

I feel for her, but right now, right here where I'm at, I'm thinking surely, it's not my job to keep her happy by remaining as miserable as she is! Surely, I can be happy despite whatever her emotional state may be?

As a child and growing up, I did everything to try to keep my mum from losing it. When she was unhappy about something, she'd fly into these terrifying fits of rage. I did everything to try to keep that from happening. I feel I lost myself in the process, or never found myself at all as she was so controlling. I'm almost 30 now and still scared out of my mind of admitting, even just to myself, when I like something. It's like, happiness isn't for me - because mum might get mad..

But surely, happiness is for everyone? Even her - the problem is, I think she's given up. She's not going after what she wants anymore. But that cannot rule my life, right? I think I want to be happy even if she doesn't like it. I'm done being her emotional dumping site! It'll finish me off if I carry on with it.