A few thoughts... I'll either clear things up for you or confuse you more; let's see which!
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
This both does and doesn't seem like me. I am really good at adapting to different social groups. When I was a kid, adults often thought I was older than I was, because I was able to mimic the way they spoke. I always just figured that was because my parents never did baby-talk to me. But it happens all the time. I start to talk like the people I hang out with. I match my speaking style to the people I'm around.
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I mirror whoever I am around in both personality and speech patterns. In fact, I go so far as to adopt accents within seconds. I have fit in as a guest at the White House and a crack house, Hollywood parties and homeless shelters. Wherever I go I am accepted as 'one of them'.
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I only "act" because I want to be accepted, which obviously means I have a genuine interest in people, right? I try to be like them because I want to be closer to them. I think.
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When I read this, I thought maybe I would respond. I have concluded that I 'act' because the consequences of being myself are more awkward and uncomfortable than not acting. Do I have a general interest in people? This is a difficult question for me to answer. I oscillate between deep feelings of compassion and contempt for others. I spend very little time in the middle.
You say that you want to be closer to people, and I understand this but for me, I think that I've concluded that it isn't going to happen. I act like them for the same reason that someone stocks shelves at Walmart graveyard shift - not because it is fulfilling, but because it is survival.
Nevertheless, I tend to treat everyone in the spirit of a line by Ram Dass who once said, "Right now I love you more than I've ever loved anyone; and I don't care if I ever see you again."
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
What you say here about how people feel about a schizoid person, that's how I feel about EVERYONE. It's somehow reversed. I want to have meaningful relationships, but I don't feel that others are willing to disclose as much of themselves as I want, as I would.
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This is when I knew I would respond because I can really relate to this. Everyone wants intimacy, but few people know themselves well enough to share anything meaningful. Talking about <insert your favorite sports team here>, the Kardashians, and the political race doesn't tell me anything about YOU. Well, it sort of does, but it's shallow.
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
Sometimes I think this goes back to a specific trauma I suffered, being abandoned by my best friend after telling her her boyfriend had cheated on her. For some time before that I'd sensed that I shared much more of myself than she shared with me, and it bothered me. But we had been best friends for years, and I thought when I told her about her boyfriend, she would ditch him and lean on me for support. That's not to say that's why I did it, that I was trying to drive a wedge between them. I just thought that if she stayed with him she'd end up in denial, which I knew she was prone to, and that hearing proof that he'd cheated would snap her out of that denial, and I'd help her through it, like friends do. Instead she held to her denial more firmly and stopped talking to me. Ever since then I've felt like no one wants to open themselves up enough to be my friend, to share the things that I want to share. I feel like I gave everything I had in that friendship, and was rewarded with pain.
So maybe what happened made me act like a shizoid. But if I wasn't always this way, does that mean I'm not really schizoid?
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I am older than you, but I was once this way. In fact, I've probably find the exact same situation if I dug through the archives of my memory. Today, I have determined that people (usually) don't want to know or discuss anything that real. Well, at least anything real as it pertains to them directly.
In this case, I might bring up a circumstance where I suspected I was being cheated on in a real general way. That's not to say that I wouldn't be very open - I just mean I would mention it in a way that looked organic. Let's say I asked her to the movies and it just so happened that I picked a movie in which the hero of the story was being cheated on. After the movie, over coffee or something, I might confide that it happened to me once and go into detail about how it made me feel etc. At that point, she'll probably bring up her concerns because she feels safe doing so.
I hope this is making sense...I just re-injured my arm that is healing from recent surgery and the pain level is off the charts at the moment. It's messing with my head so if I'm not being clear, feel free to ask away.
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
Interestingly though, what you say about faking empathy, I can relate to, but only on a professional level. I hate working customer service, because I really DON'T care how this customer's day was. They are the hardest part of my job and as far as I'm concerned, a job where you have no customers is the best kind. I have had to learn to fake the polite voice, the smile, the interest in their mundane lives.
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Mundane. Can't tell you how many times I've used that word in this context. The fact is, for me, the whole interaction is fake - and I would rather not talk than to be fake. Creating a false dialog for a fake interaction where we both show fake regard for each other and our concerns...it's a lie. I'd rather not talk than to be disingenuous, but that's all they have to offer me.
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Originally Posted by SoScorpio
This above all makes me think I can't be schizoid... I do need people. Though I sometimes idealize the life of a hermit, and sometimes used to seriously consider living that way, I discover in times of isolation that it drives me crazy. I do need people, and I do wish I had a stronger connection with anyone besides my boyfriend.
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Well, I have my wife and we are both best friends and inseparable. We've been this way for thirty years so I can't reasonably imagine what my needs would be if she wasn't there. We live together, work together and play together. There's not alot of time left to need others, you know?
Anyway, I hope there was something helpful in there.
I'm so confused.[/quote]