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Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward
When you're depressed? Not so much. And I was very open with everyone about what was going on, and friends just abandoned ship. I have serious abandonment issues, and that's why I feel disposable. I've been ditched by people I cared about a hell of a lot. Abruptly. Sometimes without explanation, leaving me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong and could never figure out what.{QUOTE]
=========Hi TTMF , I just wanted to reply to your situation because I've been through something very similar. And I'm talking about RL people not on-line.
I'm in my 6th generation and also have been said to have BPD. The reason I said "have been said " is because I'm tired of the labels. I am who I am , period. Whatever the reason , it's not that I get too attached to people it's just that I care too much and want to know them more than on a superficial level , which is what most relationships are , superficial. Everybody has their secrets that you'll never know about.
I put out and out never getting much in return. I started feeling like I'm just not as important and was being used. And guess what , most of the time that's exactly what's happening. They would say things like, well I can't give you all my attention etc..... I never asked for it all , just some more than what was given.
Some people just don't know how to really get close on a deep level because they're afraid they might have to open up. Oh I just love the one's where they don't even give you an explanation. This happened with my wife of MANY yrs. No explanation , just wanted to "move on" . Two children who won't have an adult conversation even though they're supposed to be adults chronologically. And so called best friend whose an alcoholic that I tried to help.
I was blamed for everything. I was too clingy , too needy and still having to pay for mistakes made 30 yrs ago. There aren't enough sorry's in the world , (backed up by actions), to make a difference.
You see they are perfect and your not. It was all ********. They just didn't want to admit their own character defects and shortcomings. They didn't know how to get close. If you become superficial I guarantee you'll have a lot of "friends".
After my divorce I moved to a new area. I'm alone with physical problems that keep me from going out a lot. I have no RL friends. I can't work. I'm totally alone except for talking to you right now. I've been abandoned by my whole family, and blood relatives and non-blood relatives. A whole life of phoniness. Mental illness or not , is that the way it should be ? Dedicate your whole life to people who just throw you away once your not needed anymore ?
My depression coupled with my physical pain has brought me to a new time low. Hard to make new friends the older you get. I think so anyway. Especially if you have a lot of "issues"".
Believe me , I know how you feel and empathize with you. Hope your still young enough to make something of your life.
Best wishes,  |
I really appreciate you saying all this. Because now I know someone who has felt this way too and that makes all the difference in the world. People like us, we're just more sensitive than most. And people don't cut us slack for it, instead we're treated like we're defective. I never ask for more attention than I would give. And like you, I give and give and give. But tend to get little back in return. I'm a pretty deep person. Once an emotional bond as been established and trust as well, I go to those deeper levels because its safe. Or it seems safe. So far experience has taught me its not. And its not that I trust too easily either. I have serious trust issues. I'm hesitant to open up. Here its different, because its a support forum. But elsewhere I do not talk like this at all.
Honestly, I walked away from those two friendships last night. When I realized they were empty and false, and I would never get what I need...the kind of friendship I felt, I realized all of this has caused me way too much emotional pain. Being depressed was bad enough, but to face rejection on a daily basis as well? They were triggering me. So I decided enough was enough and I would walk away and delete them from my life. In a very non-confrontational manner. I deleted their numbers from my cell phone and deleted the one off FB. Since they have never provided explanations to me, for anything, I don't feel I owe them explanations. Today I was in higher spirits, and I think its because I'm not being hit with that emotional pain throughout the day. This should definitely help my depression.
I'm sorry you are so alone though. Amazing, that there are so many people in the world, and we manage to feel lonely anyway. Meeting people is not easy. Despite the internet.
Oh man. Speaking of rejection, I asked a co-worker for his number, and asked if he wanted to hang out some time. Because we're like bros. And he froze up and looked completely awkward. Obvious he wasn't interested in doing that. The fact that he doesn't want to doesn't bother me. I'm just embarrassed I thought we could be better friends than we are, when that thought hadn't crossed his mind. Plus I suspect he thinks I have a crush on him. Is it weird for women to ask guys to hang out? I'm not romantically interested in him at all. He's literally a bro. I feel like I violated some social taboo. But he's very arrogant and full of himself, so he probably thinks I'm into him. I think I will give up on trying to be friends with people and let them come to me.