I have bipolar disorder, been in a depressive state for far too long. am no longer on any meds I stopped taking those due to bad reactions also not in therapy anymore but i was looking for another one but that stopped. They kept switching psychiatrists on me i went through 3 in one month because they kept leaving.
It's been months since then,

Holidays hit me hardest along with birthdays I know this and i understand this I come to expect a hard time for me during this few months. But, what I've been feeling and thinking has been going on for a very long time years even. I don't see a point to life. What type of future can my husband and I give a child he has agoraphobia and i have a list of issues. Neither of us seeking help for our problems. But i don't want to pass those on to our future kids. And that's all i've ever thought of doing and being is a mother and knowing that its not for the best just sucks, my mom died at the age of 43 for a different set of medical issues and it seems like i have some of those also.

My anxiety is all over the place where i want to self medicate because thats all i can do right now. I'm scared to actually get help because i don't want them putting me somewhere where i can't spend christmas with my husband but i know i need a new outlook on life. Just not sure how to get one anymore. Lamicatal didn't work for me and i think that was our last one that didn't have a side effect of increased weight gain. But I never got to try anything after it. And that didn't help the depression anyways. I wish i could see myself going somewhere in life.